Today

Weather changes always remind me that it's up to me how I enter into the next season and not necessarily when. Control. It all comes down to control.

As I work feverishly~ if only in my mind ~ to bring order to the aspects of my life I have control over, you'd think I would be able to distinguish between what I can change, right? Not always so with me.... I look headlong into the future with my eyes pealed open and my hair plastered straight back against my head. It feels like a very fast descent on a wild horse at times. But other times it just pokes along. Yet sometimes I need to hold still and try to figure out what is really happening to me. My heart gets afraid at what I might see and thus, I wince~ yes, I said wince. So it takes me a while to look at the new season because the bruising from the bumps in last season still smart too much. 

I find that now, as opposed to when I was younger and very invincible, it's much harder for me to discern quickly. I get caught up in the 'how's' and the 'what if's' too much. Frankly, I don't have much confidence in the 'me' part of 'us', so my focus is a little off.

That's when you remind me that it's really all on your dime. I mean, you give the ideas, you give the open doors, you give wings to my feeble heart and we venture into the unknown. I can rely on you. Always. I never worry about the 'you' part of us, just whether or not I'm in the same vehicle with you or a cheap imitation of my own imaginings. Oh, but when I know it's you, it's so delightful, simply amazing and beautiful. That's you every time I press forward by your side.... it's better than first class treatment and it just flows.

Please let my life proceed on your dime. Teach me how to see you quicker and join you as if it were second nature. Life would be more simple and lots of clutter would become irrelevant. I like it simple~ simple, straight forward and glorious. I don't want to worry anymore about what anybody else thinks of my life. I don't want to care if others come to negative conclusions when they add up the pieces in my journey. I just want to come into a place of understanding with you and what your thoughts are about me. If I do that, I know the foundation I stand on will be solid and I will no longer be shaking because of my weakness. I can finally be free from the haunting weaknesses, and  accusing voices that say I'm not worthy of you drop into silence.

You are all about me and I need to be all about you... right now, today and let the seasons bring what they may.