The Gift from my Friend Ms. R....

I was pleasantly surprised to see a longtime friend at my door today. She is one who has been in my heart for almost 30 years now. It's amazing how nice it is to see someone whose life was so intertwined with mine, whose affect on me is real even now.
Her message to me today is one of resonance. My voice, encouragement, words of hope still echo to remind her who she is, even though they were spoken  many years ago. With a serious and fixed brow, her words reached into my heart as if to say, this is who you are and what you mean to me. Without words, she encouraged me to continue to be who I am, who I once was so long ago.
Back then, I didn't know what it would cost me to be me. Back then I didn't know what it meant to brave the backlash for speaking lightning bolt words that help others to breath, to walk, to hope again.
Now I see, now I understand. My focus has changed. Before, my focus was on the beautiful outcome, the gift to see what good could come from just saying simple words. The beauty of what I saw enveloped me and compelled me to speak. Now, having walked through many wars, I no longer focus there. I focus on how it can hurt me, who might be wounded if I am just being me. (After all, there have been many a wounded soul left in my wake, including me.)
However, my gift today is that I have lost sight of the gift, the ability to see the good that comes by simply saying what I see. I sense that you want to give that back to me, is that right? The beautiful outcome was the very thing that kept me focused on you. It was the magnificent resolution to another one of your amazing symphonies. It was my teacher, the way I learned your heart. You gave me hope when I could see from your space. It was my saving grace.
Now older, I'm learning how unwise and unlearned I have become. I let go of the ability to trust like a child. I lost some clarity having walked through what I refer to as the 'big wars'. Now, instead of counting the blessings, I count the harm it could do or wounds I could inflict. How sad.... yet, is this what you meant about counting the cost? Is this perhaps the thing you mean to teach me? Or did I trade it away for a bowl of stew? It shouldn't hurt to be me. It shouldn't worry me to sing my song. But it does....
'Shhh... you're in my space. I'm bigger than all of this and there is no wound I cannot heal. You need to know that I want you in my family, I want you on my team. Beyond my son's gift to you, today I deem you priceless. The view from my position is still available to you at any time. You are welcome to be in me. I always want you with me, even when you are less than your best. I want you especially then.
Let me at that pain, let me face it and scoop it out of you. Let me clean the space where it is and fill it up with me.
Then, you will see the blending of what you see and what it might cost become what I call wisdom. Just look at me, see me and leave the rest behind.'
Yes, thanks, that feels much better. I love you.

Yet Another End....

So I passed through another threshold today. I sit quietly in my living room looking out on my small patio ~ watching, waiting. I'm in the midst of a duality. Yes, a duality. I hear the echo's of what used to be my scheduled day and the essence of my sweet Caleb racing around here and there. As well, I sit in the silence of this place and wonder what to do next.
I don't want to hold on to what has now passed, yet its loss is pulling at my heart. It draws tears to the rim of my eyelids even as I write. What a lonely place this is and yet, I exhale a sigh of relief at not having to chase after a curious and busy little boy.
What now? What next? Where am I to go? There is certainly a load of laundry to be done, floors to mop, dogs to be washed. All of which could easily fill this empty room in my head, yet I linger just looking for something~ for someone.
What would you say to me today? What final benediction would you pronounce over me and do you believe in 'debriefs'? I really need one just now and in the silence, many images flash and words come to me. I stretch to make sense of it all since my heart, my identity is tied into it as well. Will you say that I did well or will you really speak to the deep places within me? Is my ability to hear you becoming blocked because of my feelings, or is it really a new season that requires me to stretch, to quiet myself and listen? Is this the 'higher ground' I thought I wanted to reach- the place that brings me closer to you? It feels like a time out, not a cuddle on your lap, not the closeness that comes when I sense your overwhelming love. I need the tenderness of your gaze and the softness of your loving voice to meet me here. Like a gentle breeze, the warm kiss of the sun, I need you... and I need you even more than that if I am to ever rise from my present state.
I cannot rise without you having changed me. I must have your sobering determination, the stuff that you possessed while you walked here. Still, I cannot journey on without you in the deep places that have opened up from the loss. So... I wait.

Reappearing Hope

Just today, I had a thought come over my lilting mind.... "People are not your enemy; the enemy and your flesh are your enemy...." Huh, that's pretty random and yet it's very pertinent to my life as a world reach er.
It's a huge thing to be a shy person by nature and then suddenly understand the importance of my imprint.
Okay, so I've been really shy lately.... like a turtle. It's time to give you my protective shell, isn't it. Ouch, it's difficult thing to give up my familiar hiding place....
I'll come back now if that's what you want.
'Rest, my dear... just rest in my abilities and let the wonder of my hope and forgiveness strengthen you. I am right here.'
I love that you get me... you always get me. I love that about you.
Yeah, it hurts, but I'm back.