I don't know what to call this thing... passion or rage?

I was thinking about waring... yes, waring the other day. Being of Hawaiian descent, I have much passion and fire within that sometimes flairs up at the oddest times. As well, feelings of all sorts come rushing up to the surface that I cannot always control, thus I react. I'm not like other people who seem to be in control of their emotions and they navigate their course rather easily without being as affected as I am.

There are plenty of stories throughout the history of my culture of bloody, violent conflicts between Hawaiians and other cultures as well as with each other. I was thinking, '... God you made Hawaiians with fire in their bellies, no doubt, others as well... what of it? What am I to do with this thing inside me? How am I to use this stuff to honor You?'

Please teach me what love looks like in light of passionate feelings. You made me to love deeply, to pray passionately and serve others fervently. When I am wounded, hurt so deeply that I can hardly breath, please change the way I respond to people/ situations. I neither want to fight or flee~ I simply want to draw from a different stream within... from You.

So, teach me how to war in the Spirit from the stream of Your love, from the fire of Your passion and not from the depth of my soul. Will you help me to see 'me' from that place today? Just because I do not fit well in the calm, gentle flow others live in, please help me to give up the self loathing.... to leave it with you and begin to see how I fit in your plan.

"It's a new day, it's time to drop the old stuff you keep talking about and move to a new place with me. I have already set you free.... now you set yourself free and look through the lens of the Truth."

So I once again I feel your incredible approval and grace wash over me. Delight, that's what that is! You delight in me right now and I feel it! Wow, what a great thing to know that not only am I loved, but appreciated for who I am, as complex as I am. Go deep with me, please. Don't just let this settle in my head, but let it go deep inside my heart, completely through my spirit. I don't deserve this love you give me... none of us do....that's what's so great about YOU.

The end of a yogurt and blueberry era

Today has been very different from other days in that my daughter and grandson began moving into their own apartment. Boxes are everywhere and we're working on what stays and what goes. So, it's now almost midnight and I've finally gotten to my laptop. Just for today, I'll be breaking my own rule by writing about the events/ thoughts going through me right now. I guess I better get to this before it turns into tomorrow!

I think I've cried about seven times today. It's so strange since moving my grown children in and out isn't new to me. In fact, we've helped pack them up and settle them more than a few times. This time is definitely different~ our grandson is going to a new little house with his mommy. They are starting out on a journey as their own family tomorrow. There are so many things going through my mind, and at the same time, other things are running through my heart.

Lord, You've been good to us these last couple of years. We've had so many ups and downs, yet You have been close beside us. While we watch our precious ones make their way to their new home, it's with sadness and a sense of hope that they will be more than fine. Please, help us to keep our commitment to that little man~ to regularly and intentionally pursue 'face time' with him and not forget how important it is to be with him.

So, in the morning we'll get up for the last time and hear his little voice cry out, "Pop Pop, Gigi, where are you? Can I have yogurt and blueberries, please?" Oh sure, he'll be back to spend the night sometimes, but we're passing over a threshold and on to the next season.

Tonight, as you wash over me, remember to gather all the uncried tears inside my heart. Please, let me wake up in the morning as my best self. Yes, my very best self, with your joy all over me. I need you to do this so that my lovey's will know it's okay to move on.

"I will do this and much more, my dear. Let it go, let them go and remember I have them right inside my heart just like you do. Don't worry, I won't let you down."

Is it gonna hurt?

You know, the balance between waiting for You to move and actively searching can be a life long journey. Sometimes I see clearly what I need to do and I then choose to do it~ or not. Other times I don't see clearly and I grope in the fog trying to muster up long forgotten resources to get me through.


I find it hard to wait..., and wait..., and wait for breakthroughs. But I find that if I will just posture myself in the way You are asking me to, I can see what you are trying to do and it's easier to wait. Letting go of familiar habits is never easy for me, but so necessary if I am to walk with You.


I'm sorry, I easily forget that you are walking this journey right along with me~ that you are not in your heaven, but right here seeing what I'm seeing and that you know what I'm feeling before I do. Learning your ways of navigating life is my greatest joy and most difficult challenge. I need to study You more.

It's time to let you off the hook for things you never promised you'd do for me. Okay then, I let you off the hook for not making my life simple, easy and always pleasant. I'm sorry for getting in your way and I thank you for being so very patient with me. Wow, I realize that what I thought this journey through life would be is actually what it will be like in the afterlife~ a misconception I must lay down. I thought it would be easier, more pleasant, a picnic actually. Not so, You said so.

So okay, take the template I have constructed about Your ways and give me the truth in it's place. Please help me to see that the issue You are concerned with is the way I deal with life, not always life itself. Yes, I know you care and want the best outcome for me and others, but really~ is it that You want me to know You in deep and intimate ways? I think so.

Here's my heart~ void of the protective shell I conveniently keep it in. Do with it what you will. (Is it gonna hurt?)

"Thank you, precious friend. Again, you trust and give me a priceless gift. I see what you are doing just now and I am touched by your vulnerability. Just watch, I'll make something rare and lovely out what you have given me. You'll see what WE can do together when we combine our resources. As to whether it will hurt or not? Look beyond it and see how much good it will do you and others. You're not alone.... I'm right here."

Did my cape get washed this week? Ahh... nope.

"Fever, nosebleeds, headache~ what a night. As I look around, the stuff that needs to be done reminds me of  the leaves falling from the Silver Maple tree in the backyard. Oh, help. What would I do without the gentle melody streaming from my computer. It's live worship and it feels like an injection of straight caffeine. That's at least a good start.

I wish I could see how your view days like this. I might have a better sense of humor about life if I did. There are so many times that I forget to be fueled before I charge out of my room in my 'Mighty Martha' costume. Perhaps I have made you laugh once or twice when I muster up what strength is left in me to pour myself in something I wore over 30 years ago? One would only hope!

Oops, oh yeah, I need you to live through me today, to love through me, to see through my lens and give me your heart. Martha isn't who I am, I'm me. I'm the one who's tired and whiny, the one who is more like a little girl right now~ not the one who has the answers. I can't wear Martha anymore, I can't do her anymore. I'm too tired to jump up and jump in. Can you come and fill the empty spaces in me right now? Can you laugh away the falsehood sticking all over me? If you don't, I'll just have to go back to bed.

Really. Can you come and refresh me today? Will you please heal me of this sassy, fussy, cheek?"

Before I open my bedroom door, I fall back on my bedside, (deflated and feeling much more like it should be the end of the day, not the beginning). Here you are, right here. It always amazes me that I can chat your ear off and not say very much in the process, while you say very little. So, give it to me straight, I gotta hit the ground running....?"

You: 'All is not lost. Continue, dear one. Rest in my love. Love through your doing and do through my loving. That's all.'

Me: speechless....

What, Dad?

A while ago, a friend's dad wrote something on her status update that really touched me. Well, a couple of things, actually~ they were worth sharing. If you're like me, any 'Dad stuff' that builds me up is super important to get.

Yeah, 'Dad stuff'...

As my friend related something about herself, (or perhaps someone else), her Dad wrote, "...we all walk with a limp...". Either way, it is so impacting to me because 'Dad' wrote it. It speaks to me that 'Dad' is merciful... a new concept for me; that he is very aware and accepting of human weakness.... whoa, not a perfectionist with high expectations of me; he admits and has counted himself as one of 'us'.... not a concept I have felt for a long time from my 'with skin on' Dad. It warmed and melted my heart to see this loving exchange between two DNA connected people ~ yet so much more.

I felt You pouring yourself on me saying, "This is who I am... I am." I could also sense your loving face beckoning me to try, to believe. It was such a rich moment for me while you revealed a bit more of yourself to me. The truth in you filled me up and the flavor was rich, healthy, delicious. You are so good.

The other thing my friend's Dad wrote was, "...I'm so proud of you and I love you more than (you fill in the blank)...." Yeah, 'you fill in the blank'. To hear/ see my Dad say that to me the way my friend's Dad said it to her would be so huge, it would change my life in a split second... that's what flashed through my mind when I read it.

In that moment, I felt that from you, Dad. In a split second, you translated a simple, profound revelation to my whole being. And so I am changed. Heaven kissed the earth and made it new, made it fresh again. Please, Dad, kiss me more.

You know, I want to learn to live my life from the root of profound insight- the kind that splits the sky of my 'understanding' box. The truth is that I am loved~ deeply and certainly loved by someone bigger, stronger than me and He's fully committed to me. Dad.

Blurred Vision

This is really a new season.... I'm still living in the old, but I'm thinking and sensing new. It's very strange.

"I was thinking about what you have called me to in this rapidly closing season.... family. It's strange though, kind of foreign since I have don't have a healthy template for it. So, in my quest to find normal, I pitch too far the other way. I set the bar way too high for myself, looking to compare myself with others who 'do family' and miss the value in the process. When this season closes, will I turn my focus onto the next thing and forget the blessings you gave me? That brings up another issue....

I'm the called... called to what? To whom? I have been so insulated that I have not been looking beyond my nose. I've been a turtle, a hermit crab. I've not been trying, stretching or grasping for air/ strenth. I have allowed hurt to consume and stop me. I'm sorry, truly sorry for that.

The exchange between who you truly are and the box I have put you in have given me an excuse not to feel the pain of life OR the joy of your hope. It is costly to hide away. I have lumped you into the group of disappointments and disappointing people because I can't see what you are doing. That's not who I want to be. Good thing you are not easily rattled by this, I'd be in bad shape if you were!

So, I'm bringing this jumbled mess of pain, confusion, self pity, defiance, mistrust, and flat out cutting you out of this part of my heart~ to you. (I don't want to be like this, it just hurts too much and it's easier to just avoid pain.)

I sigh, I quiet myself and you gently take me in your arms. It's been so long since I have been able to sit in this place with you and let it all go. You don't seem to mind my dark moods, do you? You know what that means to me... it's life to me. Thank you."

Your peace replaces my unsettling fear, relief comes over me and I am suddenly filled with courage. I can see again that today is what I must focus on~ what you are doing is what I need to do. After all, you did say it's a new season, one in which I must learn to follow you on your terms, not mine.

It's fresh and new. I'm accepted~ I'm free again, which is a good place.

It's time to begin.... Joni said so.

Okay so, my friend said that I should start posting a blog and now I've done it. There are alot of things rolling around inside me and this could be very good for me and perhaps for you too. Join me if you wish...

For weeks now, I have been waking up before the sun and writing what comes to me. I will be posting what I have written from the beginning and adding comments here and there. I hope it will be both encouraging and thought provoking~ Love to you.

Entry 1:

"Lord,
You told me I was supposed to write stuff down and I wish I had pretty things to write, but I don't - not if I'm going to be real with you.

 So, here I am at the brink of another dangerous cliff.  Only you can save me from destruction. I wake in the night and I must once again find you, as fear tries to engulf me. For years I have asked you to make this right and now, at the brink of utter ruin, I ask again~ Please help me see how to navigate this danger~ I'm sorry. HELP!

'REST,' I hear you say. With a shower of your presence, you speak your word to/through me. Let me rest and trust."

I breath you in and give you the stress, the pain, the shame and the fear. (Doesn't this stuff bother you? I guess not, you say you love to take this stuff from me.)

This is the right place to start.