Do I take enough time to process, to feel the losses and the gains You send my way or do I just tuck it in and keep on truckin'? Sometimes life goes so fast ~ the fast I used to love in my 20's ~ that I can't do it all. I can't live, breath, appreciate the journey, fulfill my obligations, give my gifts of love and just feel You. "Do ya feel meh?" I hope You do. And we both know it's what holds me back from You, from breakthrough.
(There's a ride in Disneyland that I went on with my big brother when I was five years old ~ the Tea cups. My brother was a strapping young football player, a strong 17 year old who decided to spin me so fast that I couldn't keep my head up as he whirled me around. I remember being a bit overwhelmed, but not scared because I knew that my brother Chris would never let anything hurt me. When the ride stopped, I decided not to do that ever again, but for the time I rode with him, I knew I would be okay. Well, life is like that for me sometimes.)
So, You sent a teacher my way to remind me of this thing call feeling my true feelings and I must admit that it's indelible imprint is huge. Caleb was in my arms in that 'just about to drift off' state of rock a bye, when he started half singing a few words about the crib he recently graduated from. His nigh~night bed and friend his whole life was gone now and everything was strange and unsafe. As he sang, he got more emotional and began to sob over the loss. He was truly hurt at the core of his being and he wanted his mama's soft voice to console him. As I listened to him, I couldn't help but sob myself as he waded through it. I will never forget that lesson, thus, I will always strive to give You access to my feelings like he did.
It's strange to think that I used to be like that too ~ so soft and pliable. I need your touch. You're the only one I can trust those deep emotions to. No one else has the capacity to 'feel me' because I'm too heavy, too dark, too volatile. It's so good to be certain that I can bring these dark, cloudy moods to You and You welcome me to be me... only me. So You embrace me, all of me ~ even the callous I've grown over my feelings. Please cover me and then take that ugly thing away.... away away.
As I breath You in, a sigh of release suddenly carries it all away. I rest. I remember I'm okay when I'm in Your safe keeping. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm okay and it's okay to be the me I am~ open, sensitive, real. You have taught me that Your love can cry with me and hope for me at the same time, unlike me who could only cry for my Caleb and pray. Thank You, no, I mean thank You so much. You are my only hope when I'm feeling this helpless~ my answer.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Monday, September 20, 2010
Cut Away
(The days are slipping by and I'm sorry that I've been away from the blog spot! Life creeps up on me and I must respond! Anyway... here goes nothing.)
Bug bites on my body ~ and on my life ~ of my own doing. It seems that every way I turn, there is a closed door. You, of course are still here, but boy, a girl could get a really bloody nose for all the 'no's' I've gotten lately.
Even so, I must find You here in this land of 'no's'. I must find Your manifest presence and still this wriggling fixer voice inside me. I vacillate between a stillness that comes with Your peace and a sense that I'm just fooling myself ~ everything is very very wrong ~ of my own doing. Please cut away the untruth in my heart and mind. Let me see clearly the issues I must face and not those that merely devour my time and energy.
So, as I sit here in the silence, here in the waking silence, I invite you to fill me. Oh here You are... right here.
You say,
" Make a choice to join Me or not. Where I lead sometimes includes 'no's' and forgotten promises. You must understand that to be a member of the human race means you will have bumps and bruises that come from the most unlikely people and the most unlikely places. There is no one else who is quite like you... I want you to understand that I have hopes and dreams for us that can only be realized when you choose to join me. Come on, help me. I need you, yes, YOU."
I say,
Get me back on Your track, please. ...Sorry for trying to fill up on anything but You. I get trapped sometimes thinking that the 'no's' mean 'disqualified'. It discourages me and my frail heart can't take it. So, anyway,here I am. I want You and if it means getting bumps and bruises okay, but if there's something I'm missing, it would be good to know. I'm afraid, but I want You more.
You say,
"I know...I love you. I'm here, fall into me. I know."
Bug bites on my body ~ and on my life ~ of my own doing. It seems that every way I turn, there is a closed door. You, of course are still here, but boy, a girl could get a really bloody nose for all the 'no's' I've gotten lately.
Even so, I must find You here in this land of 'no's'. I must find Your manifest presence and still this wriggling fixer voice inside me. I vacillate between a stillness that comes with Your peace and a sense that I'm just fooling myself ~ everything is very very wrong ~ of my own doing. Please cut away the untruth in my heart and mind. Let me see clearly the issues I must face and not those that merely devour my time and energy.
So, as I sit here in the silence, here in the waking silence, I invite you to fill me. Oh here You are... right here.
You say,
" Make a choice to join Me or not. Where I lead sometimes includes 'no's' and forgotten promises. You must understand that to be a member of the human race means you will have bumps and bruises that come from the most unlikely people and the most unlikely places. There is no one else who is quite like you... I want you to understand that I have hopes and dreams for us that can only be realized when you choose to join me. Come on, help me. I need you, yes, YOU."
I say,
Get me back on Your track, please. ...Sorry for trying to fill up on anything but You. I get trapped sometimes thinking that the 'no's' mean 'disqualified'. It discourages me and my frail heart can't take it. So, anyway,here I am. I want You and if it means getting bumps and bruises okay, but if there's something I'm missing, it would be good to know. I'm afraid, but I want You more.
You say,
"I know...I love you. I'm here, fall into me. I know."
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Two Edged Sword of Giftedness
Good ideas, I'm just full of good ideas. Visions of all sorts just pop up before me and it's like I'm suddenly transported into a musical, "....just singin' and dancin' in the rain...". Yeah, it's quite unique to live in this altered reality and sometimes I even get it right. It's really invigorating to ride the wave of good ideas, especially when the result is hope or joy for someone or other.
The challenge is that I see the way things could be and it is so alluring that I leap before I get Your input. When I realize what I've done, it cuts me off at the knees. (I did say that I wanted You to lead me, didn't I? Then how do these 'good ideas' play into it?) I get so excited about what I see that it carries me away like "... I'm singin' and dancin' in the rain..."
'Ah, it would be so grand if....' Did You ever get flashes that tempted You to leap before knowing, I mean truly knowing it was the open door? What I've learned is that even though it is lovely to dream, to see amazing possibilities, (and see a few come to fruition), I have traded something in the process. My faith grid is displaced and I lack the ability to trust myself.
For the most part, others have been touched profoundly with minimal damage ~ I'm so grateful to You for that. But on the other hand, in my personal life, the filters have not been completely changed and I tend to see things not based in the reality of Truth. Then there are those, no matter how few, that I have hurt ~ offended, whose lives are now challenged because of this 'thing' I do.
Well, I'm sorry. Many of the messes I'm in are in are because of my 'good ideas'. I see that now and I'm gonna come clean about it. I know you love me completely and that's why I can be real to my core with You. It hurts me to be deemed not trustworthy because of habitually leaping in a fool hardy fashion, but even more, it places You an inaccurate light. I'm responsible for that, I know.
It cripples me so much that I am 'gun shy'. Gone are the days of leaping and dancing just to be with You. I weigh everything, I hesitate because of the knot in my stomach, wishing it would all just go away~ that I didn't have to face anyone or anything. Did I realize I would be paying such a high price ~ my freedom? Can you walk me out of this maze I seem to be trapped in?
You say,
"Of course, I can! It is well within My means to set you aright and I will do it gladly. You no longer need to worry about this. It's taken care of and since you have laid yourself open to Me, I now have much room to move. This process is My greatest joy and I find you to be very lovely at this moment, even though you do not. It is my joy to find you, to 'right' you. I know you feel as though you are sinking, but this is the time to lay back on Me and rest. Place those you have wounded inside my heart for safe keeping. I'll take care of them. Yes, you will rise to the occasion once again and by that time, you will realize that I have retrieved your child- heart and placed it within you once again. Just leap..."
I say,
This stuff doesn't shock You, does it?
You say,
"No, not at all. It makes My heart glad to be joined to you and that another part of you has come home to Me."
The challenge is that I see the way things could be and it is so alluring that I leap before I get Your input. When I realize what I've done, it cuts me off at the knees. (I did say that I wanted You to lead me, didn't I? Then how do these 'good ideas' play into it?) I get so excited about what I see that it carries me away like "... I'm singin' and dancin' in the rain..."
'Ah, it would be so grand if....' Did You ever get flashes that tempted You to leap before knowing, I mean truly knowing it was the open door? What I've learned is that even though it is lovely to dream, to see amazing possibilities, (and see a few come to fruition), I have traded something in the process. My faith grid is displaced and I lack the ability to trust myself.
For the most part, others have been touched profoundly with minimal damage ~ I'm so grateful to You for that. But on the other hand, in my personal life, the filters have not been completely changed and I tend to see things not based in the reality of Truth. Then there are those, no matter how few, that I have hurt ~ offended, whose lives are now challenged because of this 'thing' I do.
Well, I'm sorry. Many of the messes I'm in are in are because of my 'good ideas'. I see that now and I'm gonna come clean about it. I know you love me completely and that's why I can be real to my core with You. It hurts me to be deemed not trustworthy because of habitually leaping in a fool hardy fashion, but even more, it places You an inaccurate light. I'm responsible for that, I know.
It cripples me so much that I am 'gun shy'. Gone are the days of leaping and dancing just to be with You. I weigh everything, I hesitate because of the knot in my stomach, wishing it would all just go away~ that I didn't have to face anyone or anything. Did I realize I would be paying such a high price ~ my freedom? Can you walk me out of this maze I seem to be trapped in?
You say,
"Of course, I can! It is well within My means to set you aright and I will do it gladly. You no longer need to worry about this. It's taken care of and since you have laid yourself open to Me, I now have much room to move. This process is My greatest joy and I find you to be very lovely at this moment, even though you do not. It is my joy to find you, to 'right' you. I know you feel as though you are sinking, but this is the time to lay back on Me and rest. Place those you have wounded inside my heart for safe keeping. I'll take care of them. Yes, you will rise to the occasion once again and by that time, you will realize that I have retrieved your child- heart and placed it within you once again. Just leap..."
I say,
This stuff doesn't shock You, does it?
You say,
"No, not at all. It makes My heart glad to be joined to you and that another part of you has come home to Me."
Monday, September 13, 2010
More than I Could Know...
You know, You have had to tell me a thousand times, in a thousand ways that You are trustworthy, faithful and my friend. As I look through my journal and notice the obvious pattern, the overwhelming theme, it takes me to some very strong conclusions: You are definitely speaking to me and NOT moving yet. You are in the midst of my very strange and complex situation and have waded in up to Your neck.
I also observe as I step back and look at the whole, that You are trying to bring me to the reality of Your character BEFORE the fruit appears ~ that's called faith ~ You're healing my ability to experience You before I see the outcome... to appreciate You for the person that You are and not for the amazing things You do to sustain my life. It is dawning on me that Your goodness is real, that You are very connected to me and that the wonder of this truth will give me new wings to fly. I can see the world in light of the tremendous care You take with me and everything you do. Your patience is a comfort to me, as I wind my way around the unravelling lies within my being. I see glimpses of you nestled between the untruths and I dance in and out of this web, stretching to see you. I am dizzy with the new and old spinning around me. Yes, I do want You and yes, I would like You to undo me. Undo me to resolve me.
I am grateful that You have not completely settled my situation as of yet because of the hidden jewel I am discovering. I thank You for being gracious to me in this process... You're always loving and gentle when responding to my rants. Gracious, that's who You are. Patient, that's what You are. Gentle, that's the way you are. I would not have seen this 'You' if You hadn't allowed my circumstances to halt me in my tracks. I now see that if I needed to hear You say You're faithful a thousand more times, You would do it with no hesitation.
"Place me like a seal upon your heart...." Like a jewel, that's what I want~ to wear Your faithful commitment like a jewel in plane sight. Even if my situation never changes or even gets worse, You and Your love never change... this I know.
I also observe as I step back and look at the whole, that You are trying to bring me to the reality of Your character BEFORE the fruit appears ~ that's called faith ~ You're healing my ability to experience You before I see the outcome... to appreciate You for the person that You are and not for the amazing things You do to sustain my life. It is dawning on me that Your goodness is real, that You are very connected to me and that the wonder of this truth will give me new wings to fly. I can see the world in light of the tremendous care You take with me and everything you do. Your patience is a comfort to me, as I wind my way around the unravelling lies within my being. I see glimpses of you nestled between the untruths and I dance in and out of this web, stretching to see you. I am dizzy with the new and old spinning around me. Yes, I do want You and yes, I would like You to undo me. Undo me to resolve me.
I am grateful that You have not completely settled my situation as of yet because of the hidden jewel I am discovering. I thank You for being gracious to me in this process... You're always loving and gentle when responding to my rants. Gracious, that's who You are. Patient, that's what You are. Gentle, that's the way you are. I would not have seen this 'You' if You hadn't allowed my circumstances to halt me in my tracks. I now see that if I needed to hear You say You're faithful a thousand more times, You would do it with no hesitation.
"Place me like a seal upon your heart...." Like a jewel, that's what I want~ to wear Your faithful commitment like a jewel in plane sight. Even if my situation never changes or even gets worse, You and Your love never change... this I know.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
What I'm afforded...
So the journey commences. New and old thoughts vie for my attention like a flood. I am determined, however to find You even though mornings are not my best friend! Where are you? Oh, what is that strange smell? I love you.... is it going to be hot .... what do I need to do today? What is the plan, a job, an amazing business plan that I can pitch to investors? Answers, I need answers. I must be the problem.... yes, I must be the problem. I miss you, you know and I let so many things come between us. Please still my darting mind.
I say...
As I wait for my quivering thoughts to ease and I breath You in, I suddenly rest as I am supposed to. It's hard to do this without You.... this letting it all go so that the stress releases from me. Can I put down the huge self blame, sit here, have a conversation with you and not stand in my way of receiving Your truly genuine affection for me? Just today, can I start the day full of courage, peace, acceptance and the gift of self love? Can I insist that doubt, blame and disqualification have no space to exist within me, just right now? As I lighten, I realize what a heavy weight I have carried and no wonder I'm not rested!
You say...
"Wait and listen for Me. I don't change, I don't waiver in My love~ I will always occupy space and time right along with you... I'm for you and with you. Look and follow my step~ rest~ exhale all the heavy stuff on me. You seem to have forgotten that what qualifies you for My complete and total love comes from outside of you, not from you. Remember, never forget.... remember to put on the lenses afforded you~ given to you in the gift~ and see yourself as you truly are. As I see you~ full of amazing potential."
There seems to be a fine line between being responsible and radical blind faith.... because my life is imperfect, I call a foul on myself and insist that I don't qualify. No more, I will accept the gift of today and each part of unfolding provision afforded me. I will live today, love today and perhaps cry as well. I will live in and through the love afforded me today.
I say...
As I wait for my quivering thoughts to ease and I breath You in, I suddenly rest as I am supposed to. It's hard to do this without You.... this letting it all go so that the stress releases from me. Can I put down the huge self blame, sit here, have a conversation with you and not stand in my way of receiving Your truly genuine affection for me? Just today, can I start the day full of courage, peace, acceptance and the gift of self love? Can I insist that doubt, blame and disqualification have no space to exist within me, just right now? As I lighten, I realize what a heavy weight I have carried and no wonder I'm not rested!
You say...
"Wait and listen for Me. I don't change, I don't waiver in My love~ I will always occupy space and time right along with you... I'm for you and with you. Look and follow my step~ rest~ exhale all the heavy stuff on me. You seem to have forgotten that what qualifies you for My complete and total love comes from outside of you, not from you. Remember, never forget.... remember to put on the lenses afforded you~ given to you in the gift~ and see yourself as you truly are. As I see you~ full of amazing potential."
There seems to be a fine line between being responsible and radical blind faith.... because my life is imperfect, I call a foul on myself and insist that I don't qualify. No more, I will accept the gift of today and each part of unfolding provision afforded me. I will live today, love today and perhaps cry as well. I will live in and through the love afforded me today.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Calling Cards all over the place, yeah, My favorite!
Running through the house in the predawn half light, trying not step in doggy 'calling cards' left behind by an overly curious pooch who ate the wrong thing is not my idea of fun. Nope, not now or ever will this be fun. I have too many dogs! Between them all, there is at least one crisis per hour it seems!
Stronger? You're making me stronger? I don't think I ever got the memo about this idea of Yours. I think I've let too many distractions crowd such a concept out of my consciousness~ at least I did this morning, for sure. I'm too tired this morning, I can't do anything about getting strong right now....
Oh yeah, today is our big Six Flags Hurrah, but there is dog poop literally all over the house, three whining puppies, and dog hair everywhere! Blah!!! Where's my coffee, huh? What do you mean I only have 15 minutes to get ready to leave? Wait a minute!!! Get me out of this maze I'm in! I didn't buy in to this, did I? Well I guess you took me literally when I said "... anywhere, anytime, anything, Jesus...." I don't wanna do this anymore! I'm sick of this never ending road of messes, spills and poops. Yeah, really done with this!
BUT... a little boy sleeps in the other room who will wake with certainty that he will see 'Shouka the Orca' and her house today. He'll wake and rush to get dressed, to carefully pack up and drive down the road just to see her. So, I have to choose, will I storm and sputter my way through this day, or will it be a day free from these 'prickles and stings'? Come on, choose. Choose right now! Right now.
Off we go, snacks in tow, doggies settled, carpets 'calling card' free, to Shouka's house.
In a split second, you and I choose. We choose whether we will serve our self- love or love to serve. It's reflected in the sounds, the giggles, and the memories in the mind of a child~ who we chose to be today.
"Choose me... just choose Me."
So, I choose.... I choose and off we go.
Stronger? You're making me stronger? I don't think I ever got the memo about this idea of Yours. I think I've let too many distractions crowd such a concept out of my consciousness~ at least I did this morning, for sure. I'm too tired this morning, I can't do anything about getting strong right now....
Oh yeah, today is our big Six Flags Hurrah, but there is dog poop literally all over the house, three whining puppies, and dog hair everywhere! Blah!!! Where's my coffee, huh? What do you mean I only have 15 minutes to get ready to leave? Wait a minute!!! Get me out of this maze I'm in! I didn't buy in to this, did I? Well I guess you took me literally when I said "... anywhere, anytime, anything, Jesus...." I don't wanna do this anymore! I'm sick of this never ending road of messes, spills and poops. Yeah, really done with this!
BUT... a little boy sleeps in the other room who will wake with certainty that he will see 'Shouka the Orca' and her house today. He'll wake and rush to get dressed, to carefully pack up and drive down the road just to see her. So, I have to choose, will I storm and sputter my way through this day, or will it be a day free from these 'prickles and stings'? Come on, choose. Choose right now! Right now.
Off we go, snacks in tow, doggies settled, carpets 'calling card' free, to Shouka's house.
In a split second, you and I choose. We choose whether we will serve our self- love or love to serve. It's reflected in the sounds, the giggles, and the memories in the mind of a child~ who we chose to be today.
"Choose me... just choose Me."
So, I choose.... I choose and off we go.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
That 'in the Middle' Place
Strangely, when I 'do' what I think is expected of me, I am okay after I do it. When I don't, I am unsure of my position, my security in the 'family'. Have You ever dealt with this? You must have, being fully God and fully man. I'm sure you didn't ever fail at it, but it's a comfort to know you at least you understand my challenges.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a Star Trek movie and I'm stuck between two points just after I've said, "Beam me up, Scottie!" That 'in the middle' place is where I find myself often. What do You think, what do I think.... what do others think? I'm so weary of this place, however, it's where I'm at.
I get that to be rid of this 'fear of men's opinions', I must be in it to be rid of it completely. It's just hard. I miss being able to crawl up into my Mom's lap and get cuddled, just because. I miss the days when I felt loved because I was. Bring me back to that, Dad, please.
On the other hand, to make my way through the world, I have to at least climb some ladders and jump through some hoops, I know. I guess it makes me very sad to be misunderstood and thus, judged for my actions/ words, and not my heart. To know my heart, my perspective is something few people have ever consistently pursued. You are a comfort because You know, really know~ even when I don't know myself.
So, today I will choose to live beyond this wall, as if it did not exist. I will not take on the judgement of others, I will check my heart and clarify my motives. I will act out of the core of being loved by Love. I will not take on the judgements of others and I will set them free to find their way to Love by forgiving them. This is my declaration.
Shall we dance the dance of freedom together? Shall we laugh and celebrate this lovely place today? Yes, let's revel in the moment. Let's capture the essence of Love in the form of a dance. Will You teach me the steps so well that it becomes a lovely habit? Yes, that's what I want. That's what you lived and died and live for... the dance of freedom, of forgiveness, of Love.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a Star Trek movie and I'm stuck between two points just after I've said, "Beam me up, Scottie!" That 'in the middle' place is where I find myself often. What do You think, what do I think.... what do others think? I'm so weary of this place, however, it's where I'm at.
I get that to be rid of this 'fear of men's opinions', I must be in it to be rid of it completely. It's just hard. I miss being able to crawl up into my Mom's lap and get cuddled, just because. I miss the days when I felt loved because I was. Bring me back to that, Dad, please.
On the other hand, to make my way through the world, I have to at least climb some ladders and jump through some hoops, I know. I guess it makes me very sad to be misunderstood and thus, judged for my actions/ words, and not my heart. To know my heart, my perspective is something few people have ever consistently pursued. You are a comfort because You know, really know~ even when I don't know myself.
So, today I will choose to live beyond this wall, as if it did not exist. I will not take on the judgement of others, I will check my heart and clarify my motives. I will act out of the core of being loved by Love. I will not take on the judgements of others and I will set them free to find their way to Love by forgiving them. This is my declaration.
Shall we dance the dance of freedom together? Shall we laugh and celebrate this lovely place today? Yes, let's revel in the moment. Let's capture the essence of Love in the form of a dance. Will You teach me the steps so well that it becomes a lovely habit? Yes, that's what I want. That's what you lived and died and live for... the dance of freedom, of forgiveness, of Love.
Friday, September 3, 2010
How many candles?
Well, it's my birthday. The sun is rising and it waits for no man. There is a dove outside my window beckoning me, reminding me of Hawaii. It would be lovely to be waking in Hawaii on my birthday, but I've learned that unless You give me the invitation, it's not a good thing.
My sister sent me a card that touched my heart very deeply. She wrote something that touched me so profoundly that it cracked my foundation. She decided to say that I am her best friend~ her best friend. I have a best friend who I love and who loves me that way, but I never expected my sister to write something like that. It was a gift.
When birthdays come, hope rises as I wince at the same time. Since I was very little, birthdays have been forgotten, major difficulties and family devastation have happened right around my birthday. Divorce, death, huge family issues blow up right around my birthday. Hard, that's all I can say, just hard. Someone mentioned the idea of an 'unredeemed time gate' known as the 'Dire strates' and it seems to fit for me and my birthday.
So, yes, there have been MANY huge blessings during my birthday, but I still feel like Chicken Little waiting for the sky to fall~ more programming that must find it's way to the editing floor for sure!
I'm holding my breath and my heart today~ trying not to get hurt while I wait. So, I place my heart in your hands and breath in Your love. Please, please fill me with your peace, right now.
"Rest," You say. "Let go," You say. "You're safe with Me," You say.
Please, Dad, break through this time gate and redeem it for me. Rescue me and help me trust.
"I decided that you would be born and I decided that you would be celebrated. My timing and redemptive love will take back everything that has been stolen from you. Remember, I'm your Dad. I'm strong and nothing is too hard for me. Look up, look forward, look deep into the treasure of My Word. Find the hidden light there. It is a gift that will never leave you."
You know, I love You so much. You are my home, and my safety. I want to receive your gift today and in doing so, I'll be able to receive other gifts from family and friends. With no expectations, with a grateful and free heart will I be able to not only receive gifts of any size, but take in the love they are wrapped in as well. That's what my birthday is all about, right? You loving me, loving those who honor the day you introduced me to the world? Yes.
My sister sent me a card that touched my heart very deeply. She wrote something that touched me so profoundly that it cracked my foundation. She decided to say that I am her best friend~ her best friend. I have a best friend who I love and who loves me that way, but I never expected my sister to write something like that. It was a gift.
When birthdays come, hope rises as I wince at the same time. Since I was very little, birthdays have been forgotten, major difficulties and family devastation have happened right around my birthday. Divorce, death, huge family issues blow up right around my birthday. Hard, that's all I can say, just hard. Someone mentioned the idea of an 'unredeemed time gate' known as the 'Dire strates' and it seems to fit for me and my birthday.
So, yes, there have been MANY huge blessings during my birthday, but I still feel like Chicken Little waiting for the sky to fall~ more programming that must find it's way to the editing floor for sure!
I'm holding my breath and my heart today~ trying not to get hurt while I wait. So, I place my heart in your hands and breath in Your love. Please, please fill me with your peace, right now.
"Rest," You say. "Let go," You say. "You're safe with Me," You say.
Please, Dad, break through this time gate and redeem it for me. Rescue me and help me trust.
"I decided that you would be born and I decided that you would be celebrated. My timing and redemptive love will take back everything that has been stolen from you. Remember, I'm your Dad. I'm strong and nothing is too hard for me. Look up, look forward, look deep into the treasure of My Word. Find the hidden light there. It is a gift that will never leave you."
You know, I love You so much. You are my home, and my safety. I want to receive your gift today and in doing so, I'll be able to receive other gifts from family and friends. With no expectations, with a grateful and free heart will I be able to not only receive gifts of any size, but take in the love they are wrapped in as well. That's what my birthday is all about, right? You loving me, loving those who honor the day you introduced me to the world? Yes.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A Gift? Are you kidding me?
What is it about blessings that I tend to hold them at arms length? Like for instance, today. I look out my large window and see nothing but a beautiful, green garden dotted with Rose blossoms and Oleander flowers. The sun is so bright that my lawn looks as though it is electrified while the large Valley Oak stands tall in the distance. This is where I live, this is the home You have chosen for me at this time of my life. It's a palace, truly, a palace. You have blessed me with this lovely home, full of peace and tranquillity and yet, I have not fully embraced it~ not really received it to the depths of my heart. Why does it feel like a prison sometimes and not a gift?
I know why, it's because so many things/ people have been ripped away from me that I shan't dare to hope it would be my forever home. I automatically drive it away by looking at the broken/ unfinished things. I turn my eyes away from You and on to what you want me to do, so as to deflect your gaze. This habit of mine so far under the surface that I don't see it until I've said something to a loved one and the echo of it hits me... finally. What kind of a world do I live in inside my head? I think it needs a good scrubbing and a bit of rearranging, don't You?
It's the receiving tube that has been crimped, disconnected, punctured that needs fixing. I have forgotten to let you replace that line and replace all the broken parts I have patched together. And there is a filter, a wall that I have constructed over my heart that shields it from the pain of rejection, because the memory of disappointment still lingers. Whatever happened to the openness within? Can I remember what it was like to receive and give love freely like I did when I was young? I think I have set up boundaries in the places you intended to be open and left myself open in the places you meant for me to guard...?
Can you fix this for me? Today would be good and if tomorrow I no longer live in this blessed state, I will have at least lived to the full in this moment with You, in this day- with You. If tomorrow never comes, I will be full of the blessings You pour out on me right NOW.
Here You are, right next to me. I sense your smile, your appreciation of this moment with me. Strangely, You have taken in the importance of this moment and linger here with me. And in this moment, You are here, illuminating the lovely gifts this moment holds. With Your peace, you simply melt the walls, the patched up and broken things within my 'receiver' and they are new. Wow, the pain simply fades away.... the tension is leaving me. I rest, You smile. I breath, You laugh with joy. It's over~ this moment is MINE and no one can take it from me. You have given me Your gift and now, I receive it. Thank you.
You are always here, aren't you? I need to remember that. I guess that will be for another moment.
I know why, it's because so many things/ people have been ripped away from me that I shan't dare to hope it would be my forever home. I automatically drive it away by looking at the broken/ unfinished things. I turn my eyes away from You and on to what you want me to do, so as to deflect your gaze. This habit of mine so far under the surface that I don't see it until I've said something to a loved one and the echo of it hits me... finally. What kind of a world do I live in inside my head? I think it needs a good scrubbing and a bit of rearranging, don't You?
It's the receiving tube that has been crimped, disconnected, punctured that needs fixing. I have forgotten to let you replace that line and replace all the broken parts I have patched together. And there is a filter, a wall that I have constructed over my heart that shields it from the pain of rejection, because the memory of disappointment still lingers. Whatever happened to the openness within? Can I remember what it was like to receive and give love freely like I did when I was young? I think I have set up boundaries in the places you intended to be open and left myself open in the places you meant for me to guard...?
Can you fix this for me? Today would be good and if tomorrow I no longer live in this blessed state, I will have at least lived to the full in this moment with You, in this day- with You. If tomorrow never comes, I will be full of the blessings You pour out on me right NOW.
Here You are, right next to me. I sense your smile, your appreciation of this moment with me. Strangely, You have taken in the importance of this moment and linger here with me. And in this moment, You are here, illuminating the lovely gifts this moment holds. With Your peace, you simply melt the walls, the patched up and broken things within my 'receiver' and they are new. Wow, the pain simply fades away.... the tension is leaving me. I rest, You smile. I breath, You laugh with joy. It's over~ this moment is MINE and no one can take it from me. You have given me Your gift and now, I receive it. Thank you.
You are always here, aren't you? I need to remember that. I guess that will be for another moment.
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