It's been a long time since I talked to you in this blog. I haven't forgotten, just had a myriad of things going on and no time to dig under the surface of my life to find the real me underneath. Did you ever get like that with life so busy that you can't find a soft spot inside. It's kinda like bracing yourself before walking out into a cold and driving rain right now. Life is not necessarily hard, just unrelenting and taking all of my effort and attention.
While I think about the coming days, I am grateful for the fact that I can always look at the simplest things to find evidence of you. It makes me glad that you are my constant in the changing tides. I'm kind of like a beachcomber, you know, excited to see what will wash up everyday. If I can only remember that it's an adventure and not a life sentence, I'll be alright and I'll make it. I know, it takes a buy in to that illusive thing called trust and someday we are going to be best friends. For now I'll settle for being polite acquaintances.
This season will be different from any other. My life and loves are changing right along with the seasons. It's about time!
You know that everything is going to be more than alright with me and mine. I can sense your rising and joyous optimism falling on me. This new season is full of expressions of your loving and kind ways. I want to find them all and tell whoever will listen that it's the greatest journey knowing you.
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
under the surface: Today
under the surface: Today: "Weather changes always remind me that it's up to me how I enter into the next season and not necessarily when. Control. It all comes down to..."
Today
Weather changes always remind me that it's up to me how I enter into the next season and not necessarily when. Control. It all comes down to control.
As I work feverishly~ if only in my mind ~ to bring order to the aspects of my life I have control over, you'd think I would be able to distinguish between what I can change, right? Not always so with me.... I look headlong into the future with my eyes pealed open and my hair plastered straight back against my head. It feels like a very fast descent on a wild horse at times. But other times it just pokes along. Yet sometimes I need to hold still and try to figure out what is really happening to me. My heart gets afraid at what I might see and thus, I wince~ yes, I said wince. So it takes me a while to look at the new season because the bruising from the bumps in last season still smart too much.
I find that now, as opposed to when I was younger and very invincible, it's much harder for me to discern quickly. I get caught up in the 'how's' and the 'what if's' too much. Frankly, I don't have much confidence in the 'me' part of 'us', so my focus is a little off.
That's when you remind me that it's really all on your dime. I mean, you give the ideas, you give the open doors, you give wings to my feeble heart and we venture into the unknown. I can rely on you. Always. I never worry about the 'you' part of us, just whether or not I'm in the same vehicle with you or a cheap imitation of my own imaginings. Oh, but when I know it's you, it's so delightful, simply amazing and beautiful. That's you every time I press forward by your side.... it's better than first class treatment and it just flows.
Please let my life proceed on your dime. Teach me how to see you quicker and join you as if it were second nature. Life would be more simple and lots of clutter would become irrelevant. I like it simple~ simple, straight forward and glorious. I don't want to worry anymore about what anybody else thinks of my life. I don't want to care if others come to negative conclusions when they add up the pieces in my journey. I just want to come into a place of understanding with you and what your thoughts are about me. If I do that, I know the foundation I stand on will be solid and I will no longer be shaking because of my weakness. I can finally be free from the haunting weaknesses, and accusing voices that say I'm not worthy of you drop into silence.
You are all about me and I need to be all about you... right now, today and let the seasons bring what they may.
As I work feverishly~ if only in my mind ~ to bring order to the aspects of my life I have control over, you'd think I would be able to distinguish between what I can change, right? Not always so with me.... I look headlong into the future with my eyes pealed open and my hair plastered straight back against my head. It feels like a very fast descent on a wild horse at times. But other times it just pokes along. Yet sometimes I need to hold still and try to figure out what is really happening to me. My heart gets afraid at what I might see and thus, I wince~ yes, I said wince. So it takes me a while to look at the new season because the bruising from the bumps in last season still smart too much.
I find that now, as opposed to when I was younger and very invincible, it's much harder for me to discern quickly. I get caught up in the 'how's' and the 'what if's' too much. Frankly, I don't have much confidence in the 'me' part of 'us', so my focus is a little off.
That's when you remind me that it's really all on your dime. I mean, you give the ideas, you give the open doors, you give wings to my feeble heart and we venture into the unknown. I can rely on you. Always. I never worry about the 'you' part of us, just whether or not I'm in the same vehicle with you or a cheap imitation of my own imaginings. Oh, but when I know it's you, it's so delightful, simply amazing and beautiful. That's you every time I press forward by your side.... it's better than first class treatment and it just flows.
Please let my life proceed on your dime. Teach me how to see you quicker and join you as if it were second nature. Life would be more simple and lots of clutter would become irrelevant. I like it simple~ simple, straight forward and glorious. I don't want to worry anymore about what anybody else thinks of my life. I don't want to care if others come to negative conclusions when they add up the pieces in my journey. I just want to come into a place of understanding with you and what your thoughts are about me. If I do that, I know the foundation I stand on will be solid and I will no longer be shaking because of my weakness. I can finally be free from the haunting weaknesses, and accusing voices that say I'm not worthy of you drop into silence.
You are all about me and I need to be all about you... right now, today and let the seasons bring what they may.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Stripped to the Core
Being stripped is not very easy. It's frankly confusing sometimes and I'm not sure what is really going on when it happens. I'm still on the re purposing kick and I feel the sand paper-esk rubs of hard times. I've been 'rubbed' so much lately, I'm not sure who's who or what's what!
Just a little twinkle from your eye will help me not to wriggle out of the stripping phase of this process. I totally understand that it's part of my make up to be self preserving, like all of us, but navigating through it is tricky. I think I fear the pain of the process, I'm afraid of what will come to the surface once stripped and especially who will see me in this condition. By the time a woman is my age, it's not fashionable to say 'I'm undone and I don't have a clue what's going on,' but it's the truth. Yesterday's answers do not even relate to today's questions!
That's the beauty of it.... your love, wisdom and likability are what draw me to you each quiet morning. It's gonna cost me, sometimes in a big way, to get up close to you. You draw me and the crusty, multi layered issues I've applied to my heart are between us.... thus, it's time to be stripped. I get it... sometimes it hurts to get as close as I need to, but I can't walk away from your irresistible essence, not today. I'm too tired to walk and you are the only one who knows me, the one who can give me courage~ the courage I need to face this uncertain dance called my life.
Just a little twinkle from your eye will help me not to wriggle out of the stripping phase of this process. I totally understand that it's part of my make up to be self preserving, like all of us, but navigating through it is tricky. I think I fear the pain of the process, I'm afraid of what will come to the surface once stripped and especially who will see me in this condition. By the time a woman is my age, it's not fashionable to say 'I'm undone and I don't have a clue what's going on,' but it's the truth. Yesterday's answers do not even relate to today's questions!
That's the beauty of it.... your love, wisdom and likability are what draw me to you each quiet morning. It's gonna cost me, sometimes in a big way, to get up close to you. You draw me and the crusty, multi layered issues I've applied to my heart are between us.... thus, it's time to be stripped. I get it... sometimes it hurts to get as close as I need to, but I can't walk away from your irresistible essence, not today. I'm too tired to walk and you are the only one who knows me, the one who can give me courage~ the courage I need to face this uncertain dance called my life.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Re Purposed Items
I had a delightful invitation to go along with one of my favorite people on a fact finding trip. A woman of many talents, my friend was looking into becoming a creator of fine 'repurposed' items. As well, she is thinking about taking on the great big task of being a 'repurposing event' broker. What an interesting line of thought! I was introduced to a subculture that I was not very aware of and it was quite a whirlwind.
Re purposed. Being re purposed means taking something older, ready to be thrown away and changing it into some sort of decoration or gift. I saw wagon wheel tables that were simply beautiful. As well, antique furniture reupholstered in antique German feed sacks~ they were quite chic and expensive! That's saying a lot for me since I am more of a sleek, modern girl. However, I do tip my hat to those re purposing diva's who can make something amazing, unique and even whimsical out of the old and forgotten.
It's so me in the hands of You. Like an old, forgotten window from a house torn down long ago, You see beauty and purpose in me. Even now, when I fail, when I have put my foot in my mouth for the thousandth time, you still see the rare and exquisite that I myself do not see. What a rare find you are. Like an offshore breeze, You waft over my sun scorched spirit and suddenly I am new.
Life is waring on me, and yet, Your strong hand continues to change me~ to shape me into someone I am not used to seeing within me~ You.
Re purposed. Being re purposed means taking something older, ready to be thrown away and changing it into some sort of decoration or gift. I saw wagon wheel tables that were simply beautiful. As well, antique furniture reupholstered in antique German feed sacks~ they were quite chic and expensive! That's saying a lot for me since I am more of a sleek, modern girl. However, I do tip my hat to those re purposing diva's who can make something amazing, unique and even whimsical out of the old and forgotten.
It's so me in the hands of You. Like an old, forgotten window from a house torn down long ago, You see beauty and purpose in me. Even now, when I fail, when I have put my foot in my mouth for the thousandth time, you still see the rare and exquisite that I myself do not see. What a rare find you are. Like an offshore breeze, You waft over my sun scorched spirit and suddenly I am new.
Life is waring on me, and yet, Your strong hand continues to change me~ to shape me into someone I am not used to seeing within me~ You.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
Did I leave it in my back pocket?
Do I take enough time to process, to feel the losses and the gains You send my way or do I just tuck it in and keep on truckin'? Sometimes life goes so fast ~ the fast I used to love in my 20's ~ that I can't do it all. I can't live, breath, appreciate the journey, fulfill my obligations, give my gifts of love and just feel You. "Do ya feel meh?" I hope You do. And we both know it's what holds me back from You, from breakthrough.
(There's a ride in Disneyland that I went on with my big brother when I was five years old ~ the Tea cups. My brother was a strapping young football player, a strong 17 year old who decided to spin me so fast that I couldn't keep my head up as he whirled me around. I remember being a bit overwhelmed, but not scared because I knew that my brother Chris would never let anything hurt me. When the ride stopped, I decided not to do that ever again, but for the time I rode with him, I knew I would be okay. Well, life is like that for me sometimes.)
So, You sent a teacher my way to remind me of this thing call feeling my true feelings and I must admit that it's indelible imprint is huge. Caleb was in my arms in that 'just about to drift off' state of rock a bye, when he started half singing a few words about the crib he recently graduated from. His nigh~night bed and friend his whole life was gone now and everything was strange and unsafe. As he sang, he got more emotional and began to sob over the loss. He was truly hurt at the core of his being and he wanted his mama's soft voice to console him. As I listened to him, I couldn't help but sob myself as he waded through it. I will never forget that lesson, thus, I will always strive to give You access to my feelings like he did.
It's strange to think that I used to be like that too ~ so soft and pliable. I need your touch. You're the only one I can trust those deep emotions to. No one else has the capacity to 'feel me' because I'm too heavy, too dark, too volatile. It's so good to be certain that I can bring these dark, cloudy moods to You and You welcome me to be me... only me. So You embrace me, all of me ~ even the callous I've grown over my feelings. Please cover me and then take that ugly thing away.... away away.
As I breath You in, a sigh of release suddenly carries it all away. I rest. I remember I'm okay when I'm in Your safe keeping. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm okay and it's okay to be the me I am~ open, sensitive, real. You have taught me that Your love can cry with me and hope for me at the same time, unlike me who could only cry for my Caleb and pray. Thank You, no, I mean thank You so much. You are my only hope when I'm feeling this helpless~ my answer.
(There's a ride in Disneyland that I went on with my big brother when I was five years old ~ the Tea cups. My brother was a strapping young football player, a strong 17 year old who decided to spin me so fast that I couldn't keep my head up as he whirled me around. I remember being a bit overwhelmed, but not scared because I knew that my brother Chris would never let anything hurt me. When the ride stopped, I decided not to do that ever again, but for the time I rode with him, I knew I would be okay. Well, life is like that for me sometimes.)
So, You sent a teacher my way to remind me of this thing call feeling my true feelings and I must admit that it's indelible imprint is huge. Caleb was in my arms in that 'just about to drift off' state of rock a bye, when he started half singing a few words about the crib he recently graduated from. His nigh~night bed and friend his whole life was gone now and everything was strange and unsafe. As he sang, he got more emotional and began to sob over the loss. He was truly hurt at the core of his being and he wanted his mama's soft voice to console him. As I listened to him, I couldn't help but sob myself as he waded through it. I will never forget that lesson, thus, I will always strive to give You access to my feelings like he did.
It's strange to think that I used to be like that too ~ so soft and pliable. I need your touch. You're the only one I can trust those deep emotions to. No one else has the capacity to 'feel me' because I'm too heavy, too dark, too volatile. It's so good to be certain that I can bring these dark, cloudy moods to You and You welcome me to be me... only me. So You embrace me, all of me ~ even the callous I've grown over my feelings. Please cover me and then take that ugly thing away.... away away.
As I breath You in, a sigh of release suddenly carries it all away. I rest. I remember I'm okay when I'm in Your safe keeping. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm okay and it's okay to be the me I am~ open, sensitive, real. You have taught me that Your love can cry with me and hope for me at the same time, unlike me who could only cry for my Caleb and pray. Thank You, no, I mean thank You so much. You are my only hope when I'm feeling this helpless~ my answer.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Cut Away
(The days are slipping by and I'm sorry that I've been away from the blog spot! Life creeps up on me and I must respond! Anyway... here goes nothing.)
Bug bites on my body ~ and on my life ~ of my own doing. It seems that every way I turn, there is a closed door. You, of course are still here, but boy, a girl could get a really bloody nose for all the 'no's' I've gotten lately.
Even so, I must find You here in this land of 'no's'. I must find Your manifest presence and still this wriggling fixer voice inside me. I vacillate between a stillness that comes with Your peace and a sense that I'm just fooling myself ~ everything is very very wrong ~ of my own doing. Please cut away the untruth in my heart and mind. Let me see clearly the issues I must face and not those that merely devour my time and energy.
So, as I sit here in the silence, here in the waking silence, I invite you to fill me. Oh here You are... right here.
You say,
" Make a choice to join Me or not. Where I lead sometimes includes 'no's' and forgotten promises. You must understand that to be a member of the human race means you will have bumps and bruises that come from the most unlikely people and the most unlikely places. There is no one else who is quite like you... I want you to understand that I have hopes and dreams for us that can only be realized when you choose to join me. Come on, help me. I need you, yes, YOU."
I say,
Get me back on Your track, please. ...Sorry for trying to fill up on anything but You. I get trapped sometimes thinking that the 'no's' mean 'disqualified'. It discourages me and my frail heart can't take it. So, anyway,here I am. I want You and if it means getting bumps and bruises okay, but if there's something I'm missing, it would be good to know. I'm afraid, but I want You more.
You say,
"I know...I love you. I'm here, fall into me. I know."
Bug bites on my body ~ and on my life ~ of my own doing. It seems that every way I turn, there is a closed door. You, of course are still here, but boy, a girl could get a really bloody nose for all the 'no's' I've gotten lately.
Even so, I must find You here in this land of 'no's'. I must find Your manifest presence and still this wriggling fixer voice inside me. I vacillate between a stillness that comes with Your peace and a sense that I'm just fooling myself ~ everything is very very wrong ~ of my own doing. Please cut away the untruth in my heart and mind. Let me see clearly the issues I must face and not those that merely devour my time and energy.
So, as I sit here in the silence, here in the waking silence, I invite you to fill me. Oh here You are... right here.
You say,
" Make a choice to join Me or not. Where I lead sometimes includes 'no's' and forgotten promises. You must understand that to be a member of the human race means you will have bumps and bruises that come from the most unlikely people and the most unlikely places. There is no one else who is quite like you... I want you to understand that I have hopes and dreams for us that can only be realized when you choose to join me. Come on, help me. I need you, yes, YOU."
I say,
Get me back on Your track, please. ...Sorry for trying to fill up on anything but You. I get trapped sometimes thinking that the 'no's' mean 'disqualified'. It discourages me and my frail heart can't take it. So, anyway,here I am. I want You and if it means getting bumps and bruises okay, but if there's something I'm missing, it would be good to know. I'm afraid, but I want You more.
You say,
"I know...I love you. I'm here, fall into me. I know."
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
The Two Edged Sword of Giftedness
Good ideas, I'm just full of good ideas. Visions of all sorts just pop up before me and it's like I'm suddenly transported into a musical, "....just singin' and dancin' in the rain...". Yeah, it's quite unique to live in this altered reality and sometimes I even get it right. It's really invigorating to ride the wave of good ideas, especially when the result is hope or joy for someone or other.
The challenge is that I see the way things could be and it is so alluring that I leap before I get Your input. When I realize what I've done, it cuts me off at the knees. (I did say that I wanted You to lead me, didn't I? Then how do these 'good ideas' play into it?) I get so excited about what I see that it carries me away like "... I'm singin' and dancin' in the rain..."
'Ah, it would be so grand if....' Did You ever get flashes that tempted You to leap before knowing, I mean truly knowing it was the open door? What I've learned is that even though it is lovely to dream, to see amazing possibilities, (and see a few come to fruition), I have traded something in the process. My faith grid is displaced and I lack the ability to trust myself.
For the most part, others have been touched profoundly with minimal damage ~ I'm so grateful to You for that. But on the other hand, in my personal life, the filters have not been completely changed and I tend to see things not based in the reality of Truth. Then there are those, no matter how few, that I have hurt ~ offended, whose lives are now challenged because of this 'thing' I do.
Well, I'm sorry. Many of the messes I'm in are in are because of my 'good ideas'. I see that now and I'm gonna come clean about it. I know you love me completely and that's why I can be real to my core with You. It hurts me to be deemed not trustworthy because of habitually leaping in a fool hardy fashion, but even more, it places You an inaccurate light. I'm responsible for that, I know.
It cripples me so much that I am 'gun shy'. Gone are the days of leaping and dancing just to be with You. I weigh everything, I hesitate because of the knot in my stomach, wishing it would all just go away~ that I didn't have to face anyone or anything. Did I realize I would be paying such a high price ~ my freedom? Can you walk me out of this maze I seem to be trapped in?
You say,
"Of course, I can! It is well within My means to set you aright and I will do it gladly. You no longer need to worry about this. It's taken care of and since you have laid yourself open to Me, I now have much room to move. This process is My greatest joy and I find you to be very lovely at this moment, even though you do not. It is my joy to find you, to 'right' you. I know you feel as though you are sinking, but this is the time to lay back on Me and rest. Place those you have wounded inside my heart for safe keeping. I'll take care of them. Yes, you will rise to the occasion once again and by that time, you will realize that I have retrieved your child- heart and placed it within you once again. Just leap..."
I say,
This stuff doesn't shock You, does it?
You say,
"No, not at all. It makes My heart glad to be joined to you and that another part of you has come home to Me."
The challenge is that I see the way things could be and it is so alluring that I leap before I get Your input. When I realize what I've done, it cuts me off at the knees. (I did say that I wanted You to lead me, didn't I? Then how do these 'good ideas' play into it?) I get so excited about what I see that it carries me away like "... I'm singin' and dancin' in the rain..."
'Ah, it would be so grand if....' Did You ever get flashes that tempted You to leap before knowing, I mean truly knowing it was the open door? What I've learned is that even though it is lovely to dream, to see amazing possibilities, (and see a few come to fruition), I have traded something in the process. My faith grid is displaced and I lack the ability to trust myself.
For the most part, others have been touched profoundly with minimal damage ~ I'm so grateful to You for that. But on the other hand, in my personal life, the filters have not been completely changed and I tend to see things not based in the reality of Truth. Then there are those, no matter how few, that I have hurt ~ offended, whose lives are now challenged because of this 'thing' I do.
Well, I'm sorry. Many of the messes I'm in are in are because of my 'good ideas'. I see that now and I'm gonna come clean about it. I know you love me completely and that's why I can be real to my core with You. It hurts me to be deemed not trustworthy because of habitually leaping in a fool hardy fashion, but even more, it places You an inaccurate light. I'm responsible for that, I know.
It cripples me so much that I am 'gun shy'. Gone are the days of leaping and dancing just to be with You. I weigh everything, I hesitate because of the knot in my stomach, wishing it would all just go away~ that I didn't have to face anyone or anything. Did I realize I would be paying such a high price ~ my freedom? Can you walk me out of this maze I seem to be trapped in?
You say,
"Of course, I can! It is well within My means to set you aright and I will do it gladly. You no longer need to worry about this. It's taken care of and since you have laid yourself open to Me, I now have much room to move. This process is My greatest joy and I find you to be very lovely at this moment, even though you do not. It is my joy to find you, to 'right' you. I know you feel as though you are sinking, but this is the time to lay back on Me and rest. Place those you have wounded inside my heart for safe keeping. I'll take care of them. Yes, you will rise to the occasion once again and by that time, you will realize that I have retrieved your child- heart and placed it within you once again. Just leap..."
I say,
This stuff doesn't shock You, does it?
You say,
"No, not at all. It makes My heart glad to be joined to you and that another part of you has come home to Me."
Monday, September 13, 2010
More than I Could Know...
You know, You have had to tell me a thousand times, in a thousand ways that You are trustworthy, faithful and my friend. As I look through my journal and notice the obvious pattern, the overwhelming theme, it takes me to some very strong conclusions: You are definitely speaking to me and NOT moving yet. You are in the midst of my very strange and complex situation and have waded in up to Your neck.
I also observe as I step back and look at the whole, that You are trying to bring me to the reality of Your character BEFORE the fruit appears ~ that's called faith ~ You're healing my ability to experience You before I see the outcome... to appreciate You for the person that You are and not for the amazing things You do to sustain my life. It is dawning on me that Your goodness is real, that You are very connected to me and that the wonder of this truth will give me new wings to fly. I can see the world in light of the tremendous care You take with me and everything you do. Your patience is a comfort to me, as I wind my way around the unravelling lies within my being. I see glimpses of you nestled between the untruths and I dance in and out of this web, stretching to see you. I am dizzy with the new and old spinning around me. Yes, I do want You and yes, I would like You to undo me. Undo me to resolve me.
I am grateful that You have not completely settled my situation as of yet because of the hidden jewel I am discovering. I thank You for being gracious to me in this process... You're always loving and gentle when responding to my rants. Gracious, that's who You are. Patient, that's what You are. Gentle, that's the way you are. I would not have seen this 'You' if You hadn't allowed my circumstances to halt me in my tracks. I now see that if I needed to hear You say You're faithful a thousand more times, You would do it with no hesitation.
"Place me like a seal upon your heart...." Like a jewel, that's what I want~ to wear Your faithful commitment like a jewel in plane sight. Even if my situation never changes or even gets worse, You and Your love never change... this I know.
I also observe as I step back and look at the whole, that You are trying to bring me to the reality of Your character BEFORE the fruit appears ~ that's called faith ~ You're healing my ability to experience You before I see the outcome... to appreciate You for the person that You are and not for the amazing things You do to sustain my life. It is dawning on me that Your goodness is real, that You are very connected to me and that the wonder of this truth will give me new wings to fly. I can see the world in light of the tremendous care You take with me and everything you do. Your patience is a comfort to me, as I wind my way around the unravelling lies within my being. I see glimpses of you nestled between the untruths and I dance in and out of this web, stretching to see you. I am dizzy with the new and old spinning around me. Yes, I do want You and yes, I would like You to undo me. Undo me to resolve me.
I am grateful that You have not completely settled my situation as of yet because of the hidden jewel I am discovering. I thank You for being gracious to me in this process... You're always loving and gentle when responding to my rants. Gracious, that's who You are. Patient, that's what You are. Gentle, that's the way you are. I would not have seen this 'You' if You hadn't allowed my circumstances to halt me in my tracks. I now see that if I needed to hear You say You're faithful a thousand more times, You would do it with no hesitation.
"Place me like a seal upon your heart...." Like a jewel, that's what I want~ to wear Your faithful commitment like a jewel in plane sight. Even if my situation never changes or even gets worse, You and Your love never change... this I know.
Sunday, September 12, 2010
What I'm afforded...
So the journey commences. New and old thoughts vie for my attention like a flood. I am determined, however to find You even though mornings are not my best friend! Where are you? Oh, what is that strange smell? I love you.... is it going to be hot .... what do I need to do today? What is the plan, a job, an amazing business plan that I can pitch to investors? Answers, I need answers. I must be the problem.... yes, I must be the problem. I miss you, you know and I let so many things come between us. Please still my darting mind.
I say...
As I wait for my quivering thoughts to ease and I breath You in, I suddenly rest as I am supposed to. It's hard to do this without You.... this letting it all go so that the stress releases from me. Can I put down the huge self blame, sit here, have a conversation with you and not stand in my way of receiving Your truly genuine affection for me? Just today, can I start the day full of courage, peace, acceptance and the gift of self love? Can I insist that doubt, blame and disqualification have no space to exist within me, just right now? As I lighten, I realize what a heavy weight I have carried and no wonder I'm not rested!
You say...
"Wait and listen for Me. I don't change, I don't waiver in My love~ I will always occupy space and time right along with you... I'm for you and with you. Look and follow my step~ rest~ exhale all the heavy stuff on me. You seem to have forgotten that what qualifies you for My complete and total love comes from outside of you, not from you. Remember, never forget.... remember to put on the lenses afforded you~ given to you in the gift~ and see yourself as you truly are. As I see you~ full of amazing potential."
There seems to be a fine line between being responsible and radical blind faith.... because my life is imperfect, I call a foul on myself and insist that I don't qualify. No more, I will accept the gift of today and each part of unfolding provision afforded me. I will live today, love today and perhaps cry as well. I will live in and through the love afforded me today.
I say...
As I wait for my quivering thoughts to ease and I breath You in, I suddenly rest as I am supposed to. It's hard to do this without You.... this letting it all go so that the stress releases from me. Can I put down the huge self blame, sit here, have a conversation with you and not stand in my way of receiving Your truly genuine affection for me? Just today, can I start the day full of courage, peace, acceptance and the gift of self love? Can I insist that doubt, blame and disqualification have no space to exist within me, just right now? As I lighten, I realize what a heavy weight I have carried and no wonder I'm not rested!
You say...
"Wait and listen for Me. I don't change, I don't waiver in My love~ I will always occupy space and time right along with you... I'm for you and with you. Look and follow my step~ rest~ exhale all the heavy stuff on me. You seem to have forgotten that what qualifies you for My complete and total love comes from outside of you, not from you. Remember, never forget.... remember to put on the lenses afforded you~ given to you in the gift~ and see yourself as you truly are. As I see you~ full of amazing potential."
There seems to be a fine line between being responsible and radical blind faith.... because my life is imperfect, I call a foul on myself and insist that I don't qualify. No more, I will accept the gift of today and each part of unfolding provision afforded me. I will live today, love today and perhaps cry as well. I will live in and through the love afforded me today.
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Calling Cards all over the place, yeah, My favorite!
Running through the house in the predawn half light, trying not step in doggy 'calling cards' left behind by an overly curious pooch who ate the wrong thing is not my idea of fun. Nope, not now or ever will this be fun. I have too many dogs! Between them all, there is at least one crisis per hour it seems!
Stronger? You're making me stronger? I don't think I ever got the memo about this idea of Yours. I think I've let too many distractions crowd such a concept out of my consciousness~ at least I did this morning, for sure. I'm too tired this morning, I can't do anything about getting strong right now....
Oh yeah, today is our big Six Flags Hurrah, but there is dog poop literally all over the house, three whining puppies, and dog hair everywhere! Blah!!! Where's my coffee, huh? What do you mean I only have 15 minutes to get ready to leave? Wait a minute!!! Get me out of this maze I'm in! I didn't buy in to this, did I? Well I guess you took me literally when I said "... anywhere, anytime, anything, Jesus...." I don't wanna do this anymore! I'm sick of this never ending road of messes, spills and poops. Yeah, really done with this!
BUT... a little boy sleeps in the other room who will wake with certainty that he will see 'Shouka the Orca' and her house today. He'll wake and rush to get dressed, to carefully pack up and drive down the road just to see her. So, I have to choose, will I storm and sputter my way through this day, or will it be a day free from these 'prickles and stings'? Come on, choose. Choose right now! Right now.
Off we go, snacks in tow, doggies settled, carpets 'calling card' free, to Shouka's house.
In a split second, you and I choose. We choose whether we will serve our self- love or love to serve. It's reflected in the sounds, the giggles, and the memories in the mind of a child~ who we chose to be today.
"Choose me... just choose Me."
So, I choose.... I choose and off we go.
Stronger? You're making me stronger? I don't think I ever got the memo about this idea of Yours. I think I've let too many distractions crowd such a concept out of my consciousness~ at least I did this morning, for sure. I'm too tired this morning, I can't do anything about getting strong right now....
Oh yeah, today is our big Six Flags Hurrah, but there is dog poop literally all over the house, three whining puppies, and dog hair everywhere! Blah!!! Where's my coffee, huh? What do you mean I only have 15 minutes to get ready to leave? Wait a minute!!! Get me out of this maze I'm in! I didn't buy in to this, did I? Well I guess you took me literally when I said "... anywhere, anytime, anything, Jesus...." I don't wanna do this anymore! I'm sick of this never ending road of messes, spills and poops. Yeah, really done with this!
BUT... a little boy sleeps in the other room who will wake with certainty that he will see 'Shouka the Orca' and her house today. He'll wake and rush to get dressed, to carefully pack up and drive down the road just to see her. So, I have to choose, will I storm and sputter my way through this day, or will it be a day free from these 'prickles and stings'? Come on, choose. Choose right now! Right now.
Off we go, snacks in tow, doggies settled, carpets 'calling card' free, to Shouka's house.
In a split second, you and I choose. We choose whether we will serve our self- love or love to serve. It's reflected in the sounds, the giggles, and the memories in the mind of a child~ who we chose to be today.
"Choose me... just choose Me."
So, I choose.... I choose and off we go.
Sunday, September 5, 2010
That 'in the Middle' Place
Strangely, when I 'do' what I think is expected of me, I am okay after I do it. When I don't, I am unsure of my position, my security in the 'family'. Have You ever dealt with this? You must have, being fully God and fully man. I'm sure you didn't ever fail at it, but it's a comfort to know you at least you understand my challenges.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a Star Trek movie and I'm stuck between two points just after I've said, "Beam me up, Scottie!" That 'in the middle' place is where I find myself often. What do You think, what do I think.... what do others think? I'm so weary of this place, however, it's where I'm at.
I get that to be rid of this 'fear of men's opinions', I must be in it to be rid of it completely. It's just hard. I miss being able to crawl up into my Mom's lap and get cuddled, just because. I miss the days when I felt loved because I was. Bring me back to that, Dad, please.
On the other hand, to make my way through the world, I have to at least climb some ladders and jump through some hoops, I know. I guess it makes me very sad to be misunderstood and thus, judged for my actions/ words, and not my heart. To know my heart, my perspective is something few people have ever consistently pursued. You are a comfort because You know, really know~ even when I don't know myself.
So, today I will choose to live beyond this wall, as if it did not exist. I will not take on the judgement of others, I will check my heart and clarify my motives. I will act out of the core of being loved by Love. I will not take on the judgements of others and I will set them free to find their way to Love by forgiving them. This is my declaration.
Shall we dance the dance of freedom together? Shall we laugh and celebrate this lovely place today? Yes, let's revel in the moment. Let's capture the essence of Love in the form of a dance. Will You teach me the steps so well that it becomes a lovely habit? Yes, that's what I want. That's what you lived and died and live for... the dance of freedom, of forgiveness, of Love.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a Star Trek movie and I'm stuck between two points just after I've said, "Beam me up, Scottie!" That 'in the middle' place is where I find myself often. What do You think, what do I think.... what do others think? I'm so weary of this place, however, it's where I'm at.
I get that to be rid of this 'fear of men's opinions', I must be in it to be rid of it completely. It's just hard. I miss being able to crawl up into my Mom's lap and get cuddled, just because. I miss the days when I felt loved because I was. Bring me back to that, Dad, please.
On the other hand, to make my way through the world, I have to at least climb some ladders and jump through some hoops, I know. I guess it makes me very sad to be misunderstood and thus, judged for my actions/ words, and not my heart. To know my heart, my perspective is something few people have ever consistently pursued. You are a comfort because You know, really know~ even when I don't know myself.
So, today I will choose to live beyond this wall, as if it did not exist. I will not take on the judgement of others, I will check my heart and clarify my motives. I will act out of the core of being loved by Love. I will not take on the judgements of others and I will set them free to find their way to Love by forgiving them. This is my declaration.
Shall we dance the dance of freedom together? Shall we laugh and celebrate this lovely place today? Yes, let's revel in the moment. Let's capture the essence of Love in the form of a dance. Will You teach me the steps so well that it becomes a lovely habit? Yes, that's what I want. That's what you lived and died and live for... the dance of freedom, of forgiveness, of Love.
Friday, September 3, 2010
How many candles?
Well, it's my birthday. The sun is rising and it waits for no man. There is a dove outside my window beckoning me, reminding me of Hawaii. It would be lovely to be waking in Hawaii on my birthday, but I've learned that unless You give me the invitation, it's not a good thing.
My sister sent me a card that touched my heart very deeply. She wrote something that touched me so profoundly that it cracked my foundation. She decided to say that I am her best friend~ her best friend. I have a best friend who I love and who loves me that way, but I never expected my sister to write something like that. It was a gift.
When birthdays come, hope rises as I wince at the same time. Since I was very little, birthdays have been forgotten, major difficulties and family devastation have happened right around my birthday. Divorce, death, huge family issues blow up right around my birthday. Hard, that's all I can say, just hard. Someone mentioned the idea of an 'unredeemed time gate' known as the 'Dire strates' and it seems to fit for me and my birthday.
So, yes, there have been MANY huge blessings during my birthday, but I still feel like Chicken Little waiting for the sky to fall~ more programming that must find it's way to the editing floor for sure!
I'm holding my breath and my heart today~ trying not to get hurt while I wait. So, I place my heart in your hands and breath in Your love. Please, please fill me with your peace, right now.
"Rest," You say. "Let go," You say. "You're safe with Me," You say.
Please, Dad, break through this time gate and redeem it for me. Rescue me and help me trust.
"I decided that you would be born and I decided that you would be celebrated. My timing and redemptive love will take back everything that has been stolen from you. Remember, I'm your Dad. I'm strong and nothing is too hard for me. Look up, look forward, look deep into the treasure of My Word. Find the hidden light there. It is a gift that will never leave you."
You know, I love You so much. You are my home, and my safety. I want to receive your gift today and in doing so, I'll be able to receive other gifts from family and friends. With no expectations, with a grateful and free heart will I be able to not only receive gifts of any size, but take in the love they are wrapped in as well. That's what my birthday is all about, right? You loving me, loving those who honor the day you introduced me to the world? Yes.
My sister sent me a card that touched my heart very deeply. She wrote something that touched me so profoundly that it cracked my foundation. She decided to say that I am her best friend~ her best friend. I have a best friend who I love and who loves me that way, but I never expected my sister to write something like that. It was a gift.
When birthdays come, hope rises as I wince at the same time. Since I was very little, birthdays have been forgotten, major difficulties and family devastation have happened right around my birthday. Divorce, death, huge family issues blow up right around my birthday. Hard, that's all I can say, just hard. Someone mentioned the idea of an 'unredeemed time gate' known as the 'Dire strates' and it seems to fit for me and my birthday.
So, yes, there have been MANY huge blessings during my birthday, but I still feel like Chicken Little waiting for the sky to fall~ more programming that must find it's way to the editing floor for sure!
I'm holding my breath and my heart today~ trying not to get hurt while I wait. So, I place my heart in your hands and breath in Your love. Please, please fill me with your peace, right now.
"Rest," You say. "Let go," You say. "You're safe with Me," You say.
Please, Dad, break through this time gate and redeem it for me. Rescue me and help me trust.
"I decided that you would be born and I decided that you would be celebrated. My timing and redemptive love will take back everything that has been stolen from you. Remember, I'm your Dad. I'm strong and nothing is too hard for me. Look up, look forward, look deep into the treasure of My Word. Find the hidden light there. It is a gift that will never leave you."
You know, I love You so much. You are my home, and my safety. I want to receive your gift today and in doing so, I'll be able to receive other gifts from family and friends. With no expectations, with a grateful and free heart will I be able to not only receive gifts of any size, but take in the love they are wrapped in as well. That's what my birthday is all about, right? You loving me, loving those who honor the day you introduced me to the world? Yes.
Thursday, September 2, 2010
A Gift? Are you kidding me?
What is it about blessings that I tend to hold them at arms length? Like for instance, today. I look out my large window and see nothing but a beautiful, green garden dotted with Rose blossoms and Oleander flowers. The sun is so bright that my lawn looks as though it is electrified while the large Valley Oak stands tall in the distance. This is where I live, this is the home You have chosen for me at this time of my life. It's a palace, truly, a palace. You have blessed me with this lovely home, full of peace and tranquillity and yet, I have not fully embraced it~ not really received it to the depths of my heart. Why does it feel like a prison sometimes and not a gift?
I know why, it's because so many things/ people have been ripped away from me that I shan't dare to hope it would be my forever home. I automatically drive it away by looking at the broken/ unfinished things. I turn my eyes away from You and on to what you want me to do, so as to deflect your gaze. This habit of mine so far under the surface that I don't see it until I've said something to a loved one and the echo of it hits me... finally. What kind of a world do I live in inside my head? I think it needs a good scrubbing and a bit of rearranging, don't You?
It's the receiving tube that has been crimped, disconnected, punctured that needs fixing. I have forgotten to let you replace that line and replace all the broken parts I have patched together. And there is a filter, a wall that I have constructed over my heart that shields it from the pain of rejection, because the memory of disappointment still lingers. Whatever happened to the openness within? Can I remember what it was like to receive and give love freely like I did when I was young? I think I have set up boundaries in the places you intended to be open and left myself open in the places you meant for me to guard...?
Can you fix this for me? Today would be good and if tomorrow I no longer live in this blessed state, I will have at least lived to the full in this moment with You, in this day- with You. If tomorrow never comes, I will be full of the blessings You pour out on me right NOW.
Here You are, right next to me. I sense your smile, your appreciation of this moment with me. Strangely, You have taken in the importance of this moment and linger here with me. And in this moment, You are here, illuminating the lovely gifts this moment holds. With Your peace, you simply melt the walls, the patched up and broken things within my 'receiver' and they are new. Wow, the pain simply fades away.... the tension is leaving me. I rest, You smile. I breath, You laugh with joy. It's over~ this moment is MINE and no one can take it from me. You have given me Your gift and now, I receive it. Thank you.
You are always here, aren't you? I need to remember that. I guess that will be for another moment.
I know why, it's because so many things/ people have been ripped away from me that I shan't dare to hope it would be my forever home. I automatically drive it away by looking at the broken/ unfinished things. I turn my eyes away from You and on to what you want me to do, so as to deflect your gaze. This habit of mine so far under the surface that I don't see it until I've said something to a loved one and the echo of it hits me... finally. What kind of a world do I live in inside my head? I think it needs a good scrubbing and a bit of rearranging, don't You?
It's the receiving tube that has been crimped, disconnected, punctured that needs fixing. I have forgotten to let you replace that line and replace all the broken parts I have patched together. And there is a filter, a wall that I have constructed over my heart that shields it from the pain of rejection, because the memory of disappointment still lingers. Whatever happened to the openness within? Can I remember what it was like to receive and give love freely like I did when I was young? I think I have set up boundaries in the places you intended to be open and left myself open in the places you meant for me to guard...?
Can you fix this for me? Today would be good and if tomorrow I no longer live in this blessed state, I will have at least lived to the full in this moment with You, in this day- with You. If tomorrow never comes, I will be full of the blessings You pour out on me right NOW.
Here You are, right next to me. I sense your smile, your appreciation of this moment with me. Strangely, You have taken in the importance of this moment and linger here with me. And in this moment, You are here, illuminating the lovely gifts this moment holds. With Your peace, you simply melt the walls, the patched up and broken things within my 'receiver' and they are new. Wow, the pain simply fades away.... the tension is leaving me. I rest, You smile. I breath, You laugh with joy. It's over~ this moment is MINE and no one can take it from me. You have given me Your gift and now, I receive it. Thank you.
You are always here, aren't you? I need to remember that. I guess that will be for another moment.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I don't know what to call this thing... passion or rage?
I was thinking about waring... yes, waring the other day. Being of Hawaiian descent, I have much passion and fire within that sometimes flairs up at the oddest times. As well, feelings of all sorts come rushing up to the surface that I cannot always control, thus I react. I'm not like other people who seem to be in control of their emotions and they navigate their course rather easily without being as affected as I am.
There are plenty of stories throughout the history of my culture of bloody, violent conflicts between Hawaiians and other cultures as well as with each other. I was thinking, '... God you made Hawaiians with fire in their bellies, no doubt, others as well... what of it? What am I to do with this thing inside me? How am I to use this stuff to honor You?'
Please teach me what love looks like in light of passionate feelings. You made me to love deeply, to pray passionately and serve others fervently. When I am wounded, hurt so deeply that I can hardly breath, please change the way I respond to people/ situations. I neither want to fight or flee~ I simply want to draw from a different stream within... from You.
So, teach me how to war in the Spirit from the stream of Your love, from the fire of Your passion and not from the depth of my soul. Will you help me to see 'me' from that place today? Just because I do not fit well in the calm, gentle flow others live in, please help me to give up the self loathing.... to leave it with you and begin to see how I fit in your plan.
"It's a new day, it's time to drop the old stuff you keep talking about and move to a new place with me. I have already set you free.... now you set yourself free and look through the lens of the Truth."
So I once again I feel your incredible approval and grace wash over me. Delight, that's what that is! You delight in me right now and I feel it! Wow, what a great thing to know that not only am I loved, but appreciated for who I am, as complex as I am. Go deep with me, please. Don't just let this settle in my head, but let it go deep inside my heart, completely through my spirit. I don't deserve this love you give me... none of us do....that's what's so great about YOU.
There are plenty of stories throughout the history of my culture of bloody, violent conflicts between Hawaiians and other cultures as well as with each other. I was thinking, '... God you made Hawaiians with fire in their bellies, no doubt, others as well... what of it? What am I to do with this thing inside me? How am I to use this stuff to honor You?'
Please teach me what love looks like in light of passionate feelings. You made me to love deeply, to pray passionately and serve others fervently. When I am wounded, hurt so deeply that I can hardly breath, please change the way I respond to people/ situations. I neither want to fight or flee~ I simply want to draw from a different stream within... from You.
So, teach me how to war in the Spirit from the stream of Your love, from the fire of Your passion and not from the depth of my soul. Will you help me to see 'me' from that place today? Just because I do not fit well in the calm, gentle flow others live in, please help me to give up the self loathing.... to leave it with you and begin to see how I fit in your plan.
"It's a new day, it's time to drop the old stuff you keep talking about and move to a new place with me. I have already set you free.... now you set yourself free and look through the lens of the Truth."
So I once again I feel your incredible approval and grace wash over me. Delight, that's what that is! You delight in me right now and I feel it! Wow, what a great thing to know that not only am I loved, but appreciated for who I am, as complex as I am. Go deep with me, please. Don't just let this settle in my head, but let it go deep inside my heart, completely through my spirit. I don't deserve this love you give me... none of us do....that's what's so great about YOU.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
The end of a yogurt and blueberry era
Today has been very different from other days in that my daughter and grandson began moving into their own apartment. Boxes are everywhere and we're working on what stays and what goes. So, it's now almost midnight and I've finally gotten to my laptop. Just for today, I'll be breaking my own rule by writing about the events/ thoughts going through me right now. I guess I better get to this before it turns into tomorrow!
I think I've cried about seven times today. It's so strange since moving my grown children in and out isn't new to me. In fact, we've helped pack them up and settle them more than a few times. This time is definitely different~ our grandson is going to a new little house with his mommy. They are starting out on a journey as their own family tomorrow. There are so many things going through my mind, and at the same time, other things are running through my heart.
Lord, You've been good to us these last couple of years. We've had so many ups and downs, yet You have been close beside us. While we watch our precious ones make their way to their new home, it's with sadness and a sense of hope that they will be more than fine. Please, help us to keep our commitment to that little man~ to regularly and intentionally pursue 'face time' with him and not forget how important it is to be with him.
So, in the morning we'll get up for the last time and hear his little voice cry out, "Pop Pop, Gigi, where are you? Can I have yogurt and blueberries, please?" Oh sure, he'll be back to spend the night sometimes, but we're passing over a threshold and on to the next season.
Tonight, as you wash over me, remember to gather all the uncried tears inside my heart. Please, let me wake up in the morning as my best self. Yes, my very best self, with your joy all over me. I need you to do this so that my lovey's will know it's okay to move on.
"I will do this and much more, my dear. Let it go, let them go and remember I have them right inside my heart just like you do. Don't worry, I won't let you down."
I think I've cried about seven times today. It's so strange since moving my grown children in and out isn't new to me. In fact, we've helped pack them up and settle them more than a few times. This time is definitely different~ our grandson is going to a new little house with his mommy. They are starting out on a journey as their own family tomorrow. There are so many things going through my mind, and at the same time, other things are running through my heart.
Lord, You've been good to us these last couple of years. We've had so many ups and downs, yet You have been close beside us. While we watch our precious ones make their way to their new home, it's with sadness and a sense of hope that they will be more than fine. Please, help us to keep our commitment to that little man~ to regularly and intentionally pursue 'face time' with him and not forget how important it is to be with him.
So, in the morning we'll get up for the last time and hear his little voice cry out, "Pop Pop, Gigi, where are you? Can I have yogurt and blueberries, please?" Oh sure, he'll be back to spend the night sometimes, but we're passing over a threshold and on to the next season.
Tonight, as you wash over me, remember to gather all the uncried tears inside my heart. Please, let me wake up in the morning as my best self. Yes, my very best self, with your joy all over me. I need you to do this so that my lovey's will know it's okay to move on.
"I will do this and much more, my dear. Let it go, let them go and remember I have them right inside my heart just like you do. Don't worry, I won't let you down."
Monday, August 23, 2010
Is it gonna hurt?
You know, the balance between waiting for You to move and actively searching can be a life long journey. Sometimes I see clearly what I need to do and I then choose to do it~ or not. Other times I don't see clearly and I grope in the fog trying to muster up long forgotten resources to get me through.
I find it hard to wait..., and wait..., and wait for breakthroughs. But I find that if I will just posture myself in the way You are asking me to, I can see what you are trying to do and it's easier to wait. Letting go of familiar habits is never easy for me, but so necessary if I am to walk with You.
I'm sorry, I easily forget that you are walking this journey right along with me~ that you are not in your heaven, but right here seeing what I'm seeing and that you know what I'm feeling before I do. Learning your ways of navigating life is my greatest joy and most difficult challenge. I need to study You more.
It's time to let you off the hook for things you never promised you'd do for me. Okay then, I let you off the hook for not making my life simple, easy and always pleasant. I'm sorry for getting in your way and I thank you for being so very patient with me. Wow, I realize that what I thought this journey through life would be is actually what it will be like in the afterlife~ a misconception I must lay down. I thought it would be easier, more pleasant, a picnic actually. Not so, You said so.
So okay, take the template I have constructed about Your ways and give me the truth in it's place. Please help me to see that the issue You are concerned with is the way I deal with life, not always life itself. Yes, I know you care and want the best outcome for me and others, but really~ is it that You want me to know You in deep and intimate ways? I think so.
Here's my heart~ void of the protective shell I conveniently keep it in. Do with it what you will. (Is it gonna hurt?)
"Thank you, precious friend. Again, you trust and give me a priceless gift. I see what you are doing just now and I am touched by your vulnerability. Just watch, I'll make something rare and lovely out what you have given me. You'll see what WE can do together when we combine our resources. As to whether it will hurt or not? Look beyond it and see how much good it will do you and others. You're not alone.... I'm right here."
I find it hard to wait..., and wait..., and wait for breakthroughs. But I find that if I will just posture myself in the way You are asking me to, I can see what you are trying to do and it's easier to wait. Letting go of familiar habits is never easy for me, but so necessary if I am to walk with You.
I'm sorry, I easily forget that you are walking this journey right along with me~ that you are not in your heaven, but right here seeing what I'm seeing and that you know what I'm feeling before I do. Learning your ways of navigating life is my greatest joy and most difficult challenge. I need to study You more.
It's time to let you off the hook for things you never promised you'd do for me. Okay then, I let you off the hook for not making my life simple, easy and always pleasant. I'm sorry for getting in your way and I thank you for being so very patient with me. Wow, I realize that what I thought this journey through life would be is actually what it will be like in the afterlife~ a misconception I must lay down. I thought it would be easier, more pleasant, a picnic actually. Not so, You said so.
So okay, take the template I have constructed about Your ways and give me the truth in it's place. Please help me to see that the issue You are concerned with is the way I deal with life, not always life itself. Yes, I know you care and want the best outcome for me and others, but really~ is it that You want me to know You in deep and intimate ways? I think so.
Here's my heart~ void of the protective shell I conveniently keep it in. Do with it what you will. (Is it gonna hurt?)
"Thank you, precious friend. Again, you trust and give me a priceless gift. I see what you are doing just now and I am touched by your vulnerability. Just watch, I'll make something rare and lovely out what you have given me. You'll see what WE can do together when we combine our resources. As to whether it will hurt or not? Look beyond it and see how much good it will do you and others. You're not alone.... I'm right here."
Saturday, August 21, 2010
Did my cape get washed this week? Ahh... nope.
"Fever, nosebleeds, headache~ what a night. As I look around, the stuff that needs to be done reminds me of the leaves falling from the Silver Maple tree in the backyard. Oh, help. What would I do without the gentle melody streaming from my computer. It's live worship and it feels like an injection of straight caffeine. That's at least a good start.
I wish I could see how your view days like this. I might have a better sense of humor about life if I did. There are so many times that I forget to be fueled before I charge out of my room in my 'Mighty Martha' costume. Perhaps I have made you laugh once or twice when I muster up what strength is left in me to pour myself in something I wore over 30 years ago? One would only hope!
Oops, oh yeah, I need you to live through me today, to love through me, to see through my lens and give me your heart. Martha isn't who I am, I'm me. I'm the one who's tired and whiny, the one who is more like a little girl right now~ not the one who has the answers. I can't wear Martha anymore, I can't do her anymore. I'm too tired to jump up and jump in. Can you come and fill the empty spaces in me right now? Can you laugh away the falsehood sticking all over me? If you don't, I'll just have to go back to bed.
Really. Can you come and refresh me today? Will you please heal me of this sassy, fussy, cheek?"
Before I open my bedroom door, I fall back on my bedside, (deflated and feeling much more like it should be the end of the day, not the beginning). Here you are, right here. It always amazes me that I can chat your ear off and not say very much in the process, while you say very little. So, give it to me straight, I gotta hit the ground running....?"
You: 'All is not lost. Continue, dear one. Rest in my love. Love through your doing and do through my loving. That's all.'
Me: speechless....
I wish I could see how your view days like this. I might have a better sense of humor about life if I did. There are so many times that I forget to be fueled before I charge out of my room in my 'Mighty Martha' costume. Perhaps I have made you laugh once or twice when I muster up what strength is left in me to pour myself in something I wore over 30 years ago? One would only hope!
Oops, oh yeah, I need you to live through me today, to love through me, to see through my lens and give me your heart. Martha isn't who I am, I'm me. I'm the one who's tired and whiny, the one who is more like a little girl right now~ not the one who has the answers. I can't wear Martha anymore, I can't do her anymore. I'm too tired to jump up and jump in. Can you come and fill the empty spaces in me right now? Can you laugh away the falsehood sticking all over me? If you don't, I'll just have to go back to bed.
Really. Can you come and refresh me today? Will you please heal me of this sassy, fussy, cheek?"
Before I open my bedroom door, I fall back on my bedside, (deflated and feeling much more like it should be the end of the day, not the beginning). Here you are, right here. It always amazes me that I can chat your ear off and not say very much in the process, while you say very little. So, give it to me straight, I gotta hit the ground running....?"
You: 'All is not lost. Continue, dear one. Rest in my love. Love through your doing and do through my loving. That's all.'
Me: speechless....
Friday, August 20, 2010
What, Dad?
A while ago, a friend's dad wrote something on her status update that really touched me. Well, a couple of things, actually~ they were worth sharing. If you're like me, any 'Dad stuff' that builds me up is super important to get.
Yeah, 'Dad stuff'...
As my friend related something about herself, (or perhaps someone else), her Dad wrote, "...we all walk with a limp...". Either way, it is so impacting to me because 'Dad' wrote it. It speaks to me that 'Dad' is merciful... a new concept for me; that he is very aware and accepting of human weakness.... whoa, not a perfectionist with high expectations of me; he admits and has counted himself as one of 'us'.... not a concept I have felt for a long time from my 'with skin on' Dad. It warmed and melted my heart to see this loving exchange between two DNA connected people ~ yet so much more.
I felt You pouring yourself on me saying, "This is who I am... I am." I could also sense your loving face beckoning me to try, to believe. It was such a rich moment for me while you revealed a bit more of yourself to me. The truth in you filled me up and the flavor was rich, healthy, delicious. You are so good.
The other thing my friend's Dad wrote was, "...I'm so proud of you and I love you more than (you fill in the blank)...." Yeah, 'you fill in the blank'. To hear/ see my Dad say that to me the way my friend's Dad said it to her would be so huge, it would change my life in a split second... that's what flashed through my mind when I read it.
In that moment, I felt that from you, Dad. In a split second, you translated a simple, profound revelation to my whole being. And so I am changed. Heaven kissed the earth and made it new, made it fresh again. Please, Dad, kiss me more.
You know, I want to learn to live my life from the root of profound insight- the kind that splits the sky of my 'understanding' box. The truth is that I am loved~ deeply and certainly loved by someone bigger, stronger than me and He's fully committed to me. Dad.
Yeah, 'Dad stuff'...
As my friend related something about herself, (or perhaps someone else), her Dad wrote, "...we all walk with a limp...". Either way, it is so impacting to me because 'Dad' wrote it. It speaks to me that 'Dad' is merciful... a new concept for me; that he is very aware and accepting of human weakness.... whoa, not a perfectionist with high expectations of me; he admits and has counted himself as one of 'us'.... not a concept I have felt for a long time from my 'with skin on' Dad. It warmed and melted my heart to see this loving exchange between two DNA connected people ~ yet so much more.
I felt You pouring yourself on me saying, "This is who I am... I am." I could also sense your loving face beckoning me to try, to believe. It was such a rich moment for me while you revealed a bit more of yourself to me. The truth in you filled me up and the flavor was rich, healthy, delicious. You are so good.
The other thing my friend's Dad wrote was, "...I'm so proud of you and I love you more than (you fill in the blank)...." Yeah, 'you fill in the blank'. To hear/ see my Dad say that to me the way my friend's Dad said it to her would be so huge, it would change my life in a split second... that's what flashed through my mind when I read it.
In that moment, I felt that from you, Dad. In a split second, you translated a simple, profound revelation to my whole being. And so I am changed. Heaven kissed the earth and made it new, made it fresh again. Please, Dad, kiss me more.
You know, I want to learn to live my life from the root of profound insight- the kind that splits the sky of my 'understanding' box. The truth is that I am loved~ deeply and certainly loved by someone bigger, stronger than me and He's fully committed to me. Dad.
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Blurred Vision
This is really a new season.... I'm still living in the old, but I'm thinking and sensing new. It's very strange.
"I was thinking about what you have called me to in this rapidly closing season.... family. It's strange though, kind of foreign since I have don't have a healthy template for it. So, in my quest to find normal, I pitch too far the other way. I set the bar way too high for myself, looking to compare myself with others who 'do family' and miss the value in the process. When this season closes, will I turn my focus onto the next thing and forget the blessings you gave me? That brings up another issue....
I'm the called... called to what? To whom? I have been so insulated that I have not been looking beyond my nose. I've been a turtle, a hermit crab. I've not been trying, stretching or grasping for air/ strenth. I have allowed hurt to consume and stop me. I'm sorry, truly sorry for that.
The exchange between who you truly are and the box I have put you in have given me an excuse not to feel the pain of life OR the joy of your hope. It is costly to hide away. I have lumped you into the group of disappointments and disappointing people because I can't see what you are doing. That's not who I want to be. Good thing you are not easily rattled by this, I'd be in bad shape if you were!
So, I'm bringing this jumbled mess of pain, confusion, self pity, defiance, mistrust, and flat out cutting you out of this part of my heart~ to you. (I don't want to be like this, it just hurts too much and it's easier to just avoid pain.)
I sigh, I quiet myself and you gently take me in your arms. It's been so long since I have been able to sit in this place with you and let it all go. You don't seem to mind my dark moods, do you? You know what that means to me... it's life to me. Thank you."
Your peace replaces my unsettling fear, relief comes over me and I am suddenly filled with courage. I can see again that today is what I must focus on~ what you are doing is what I need to do. After all, you did say it's a new season, one in which I must learn to follow you on your terms, not mine.
It's fresh and new. I'm accepted~ I'm free again, which is a good place.
"I was thinking about what you have called me to in this rapidly closing season.... family. It's strange though, kind of foreign since I have don't have a healthy template for it. So, in my quest to find normal, I pitch too far the other way. I set the bar way too high for myself, looking to compare myself with others who 'do family' and miss the value in the process. When this season closes, will I turn my focus onto the next thing and forget the blessings you gave me? That brings up another issue....
I'm the called... called to what? To whom? I have been so insulated that I have not been looking beyond my nose. I've been a turtle, a hermit crab. I've not been trying, stretching or grasping for air/ strenth. I have allowed hurt to consume and stop me. I'm sorry, truly sorry for that.
The exchange between who you truly are and the box I have put you in have given me an excuse not to feel the pain of life OR the joy of your hope. It is costly to hide away. I have lumped you into the group of disappointments and disappointing people because I can't see what you are doing. That's not who I want to be. Good thing you are not easily rattled by this, I'd be in bad shape if you were!
So, I'm bringing this jumbled mess of pain, confusion, self pity, defiance, mistrust, and flat out cutting you out of this part of my heart~ to you. (I don't want to be like this, it just hurts too much and it's easier to just avoid pain.)
I sigh, I quiet myself and you gently take me in your arms. It's been so long since I have been able to sit in this place with you and let it all go. You don't seem to mind my dark moods, do you? You know what that means to me... it's life to me. Thank you."
Your peace replaces my unsettling fear, relief comes over me and I am suddenly filled with courage. I can see again that today is what I must focus on~ what you are doing is what I need to do. After all, you did say it's a new season, one in which I must learn to follow you on your terms, not mine.
It's fresh and new. I'm accepted~ I'm free again, which is a good place.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
It's time to begin.... Joni said so.
Okay so, my friend said that I should start posting a blog and now I've done it. There are alot of things rolling around inside me and this could be very good for me and perhaps for you too. Join me if you wish...
For weeks now, I have been waking up before the sun and writing what comes to me. I will be posting what I have written from the beginning and adding comments here and there. I hope it will be both encouraging and thought provoking~ Love to you.
Entry 1:
"Lord,
You told me I was supposed to write stuff down and I wish I had pretty things to write, but I don't - not if I'm going to be real with you.
So, here I am at the brink of another dangerous cliff. Only you can save me from destruction. I wake in the night and I must once again find you, as fear tries to engulf me. For years I have asked you to make this right and now, at the brink of utter ruin, I ask again~ Please help me see how to navigate this danger~ I'm sorry. HELP!
'REST,' I hear you say. With a shower of your presence, you speak your word to/through me. Let me rest and trust."
I breath you in and give you the stress, the pain, the shame and the fear. (Doesn't this stuff bother you? I guess not, you say you love to take this stuff from me.)
This is the right place to start.
For weeks now, I have been waking up before the sun and writing what comes to me. I will be posting what I have written from the beginning and adding comments here and there. I hope it will be both encouraging and thought provoking~ Love to you.
Entry 1:
"Lord,
You told me I was supposed to write stuff down and I wish I had pretty things to write, but I don't - not if I'm going to be real with you.
So, here I am at the brink of another dangerous cliff. Only you can save me from destruction. I wake in the night and I must once again find you, as fear tries to engulf me. For years I have asked you to make this right and now, at the brink of utter ruin, I ask again~ Please help me see how to navigate this danger~ I'm sorry. HELP!
'REST,' I hear you say. With a shower of your presence, you speak your word to/through me. Let me rest and trust."
I breath you in and give you the stress, the pain, the shame and the fear. (Doesn't this stuff bother you? I guess not, you say you love to take this stuff from me.)
This is the right place to start.
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