I was pleasantly surprised to see a longtime friend at my door today. She is one who has been in my heart for almost 30 years now. It's amazing how nice it is to see someone whose life was so intertwined with mine, whose affect on me is real even now.
Her message to me today is one of resonance. My voice, encouragement, words of hope still echo to remind her who she is, even though they were spoken many years ago. With a serious and fixed brow, her words reached into my heart as if to say, this is who you are and what you mean to me. Without words, she encouraged me to continue to be who I am, who I once was so long ago.
Back then, I didn't know what it would cost me to be me. Back then I didn't know what it meant to brave the backlash for speaking lightning bolt words that help others to breath, to walk, to hope again.
Now I see, now I understand. My focus has changed. Before, my focus was on the beautiful outcome, the gift to see what good could come from just saying simple words. The beauty of what I saw enveloped me and compelled me to speak. Now, having walked through many wars, I no longer focus there. I focus on how it can hurt me, who might be wounded if I am just being me. (After all, there have been many a wounded soul left in my wake, including me.)
However, my gift today is that I have lost sight of the gift, the ability to see the good that comes by simply saying what I see. I sense that you want to give that back to me, is that right? The beautiful outcome was the very thing that kept me focused on you. It was the magnificent resolution to another one of your amazing symphonies. It was my teacher, the way I learned your heart. You gave me hope when I could see from your space. It was my saving grace.
Now older, I'm learning how unwise and unlearned I have become. I let go of the ability to trust like a child. I lost some clarity having walked through what I refer to as the 'big wars'. Now, instead of counting the blessings, I count the harm it could do or wounds I could inflict. How sad.... yet, is this what you meant about counting the cost? Is this perhaps the thing you mean to teach me? Or did I trade it away for a bowl of stew? It shouldn't hurt to be me. It shouldn't worry me to sing my song. But it does....
'Shhh... you're in my space. I'm bigger than all of this and there is no wound I cannot heal. You need to know that I want you in my family, I want you on my team. Beyond my son's gift to you, today I deem you priceless. The view from my position is still available to you at any time. You are welcome to be in me. I always want you with me, even when you are less than your best. I want you especially then.
Let me at that pain, let me face it and scoop it out of you. Let me clean the space where it is and fill it up with me.
Then, you will see the blending of what you see and what it might cost become what I call wisdom. Just look at me, see me and leave the rest behind.'
Yes, thanks, that feels much better. I love you.
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