Yet Another End....

So I passed through another threshold today. I sit quietly in my living room looking out on my small patio ~ watching, waiting. I'm in the midst of a duality. Yes, a duality. I hear the echo's of what used to be my scheduled day and the essence of my sweet Caleb racing around here and there. As well, I sit in the silence of this place and wonder what to do next.
I don't want to hold on to what has now passed, yet its loss is pulling at my heart. It draws tears to the rim of my eyelids even as I write. What a lonely place this is and yet, I exhale a sigh of relief at not having to chase after a curious and busy little boy.
What now? What next? Where am I to go? There is certainly a load of laundry to be done, floors to mop, dogs to be washed. All of which could easily fill this empty room in my head, yet I linger just looking for something~ for someone.
What would you say to me today? What final benediction would you pronounce over me and do you believe in 'debriefs'? I really need one just now and in the silence, many images flash and words come to me. I stretch to make sense of it all since my heart, my identity is tied into it as well. Will you say that I did well or will you really speak to the deep places within me? Is my ability to hear you becoming blocked because of my feelings, or is it really a new season that requires me to stretch, to quiet myself and listen? Is this the 'higher ground' I thought I wanted to reach- the place that brings me closer to you? It feels like a time out, not a cuddle on your lap, not the closeness that comes when I sense your overwhelming love. I need the tenderness of your gaze and the softness of your loving voice to meet me here. Like a gentle breeze, the warm kiss of the sun, I need you... and I need you even more than that if I am to ever rise from my present state.
I cannot rise without you having changed me. I must have your sobering determination, the stuff that you possessed while you walked here. Still, I cannot journey on without you in the deep places that have opened up from the loss. So... I wait.