Do I take enough time to process, to feel the losses and the gains You send my way or do I just tuck it in and keep on truckin'? Sometimes life goes so fast ~ the fast I used to love in my 20's ~ that I can't do it all. I can't live, breath, appreciate the journey, fulfill my obligations, give my gifts of love and just feel You. "Do ya feel meh?" I hope You do. And we both know it's what holds me back from You, from breakthrough.
(There's a ride in Disneyland that I went on with my big brother when I was five years old ~ the Tea cups. My brother was a strapping young football player, a strong 17 year old who decided to spin me so fast that I couldn't keep my head up as he whirled me around. I remember being a bit overwhelmed, but not scared because I knew that my brother Chris would never let anything hurt me. When the ride stopped, I decided not to do that ever again, but for the time I rode with him, I knew I would be okay. Well, life is like that for me sometimes.)
So, You sent a teacher my way to remind me of this thing call feeling my true feelings and I must admit that it's indelible imprint is huge. Caleb was in my arms in that 'just about to drift off' state of rock a bye, when he started half singing a few words about the crib he recently graduated from. His nigh~night bed and friend his whole life was gone now and everything was strange and unsafe. As he sang, he got more emotional and began to sob over the loss. He was truly hurt at the core of his being and he wanted his mama's soft voice to console him. As I listened to him, I couldn't help but sob myself as he waded through it. I will never forget that lesson, thus, I will always strive to give You access to my feelings like he did.
It's strange to think that I used to be like that too ~ so soft and pliable. I need your touch. You're the only one I can trust those deep emotions to. No one else has the capacity to 'feel me' because I'm too heavy, too dark, too volatile. It's so good to be certain that I can bring these dark, cloudy moods to You and You welcome me to be me... only me. So You embrace me, all of me ~ even the callous I've grown over my feelings. Please cover me and then take that ugly thing away.... away away.
As I breath You in, a sigh of release suddenly carries it all away. I rest. I remember I'm okay when I'm in Your safe keeping. I'm safe. I'm loved. I'm okay and it's okay to be the me I am~ open, sensitive, real. You have taught me that Your love can cry with me and hope for me at the same time, unlike me who could only cry for my Caleb and pray. Thank You, no, I mean thank You so much. You are my only hope when I'm feeling this helpless~ my answer.
No comments:
Post a Comment