A Gift? Are you kidding me?

What is it about blessings that I tend to hold them at arms length? Like for instance, today. I look out my large window and see nothing but a beautiful, green garden dotted with Rose blossoms and Oleander flowers. The sun is so bright that my lawn looks as though it is electrified while the large Valley Oak stands tall in the distance. This is where I live, this is the home You have chosen for me at this time of my life. It's a palace, truly, a palace. You have blessed me with this lovely home, full of peace and tranquillity and yet, I have not fully embraced it~ not really received it to the depths of my heart. Why does it feel like a prison sometimes and not a gift?

I know why, it's because so many things/ people have been ripped away from me that I shan't dare to hope it would be my forever home. I automatically drive it away by looking at the broken/ unfinished things. I turn my eyes away from You and on to what you want me to do, so as to deflect your gaze. This habit of mine so far under the surface that I don't see it until I've said something to a loved one and the echo of it hits me... finally. What kind of a world do I live in inside my head? I think it needs a good scrubbing and a bit of rearranging, don't You?

It's the receiving tube that has been crimped, disconnected, punctured that needs fixing. I have forgotten to let you replace that line and replace all the broken parts I have patched together. And there is a filter, a wall that I have constructed over my heart that shields it from the pain of rejection, because the memory of disappointment still lingers. Whatever happened to the openness within? Can I remember what it was like to receive and give love freely like I did when I was young? I think I have set up boundaries in the places you intended to be open and left myself open in the places you meant for me to guard...?

Can you fix this for me? Today would be good and if tomorrow I no longer live in this blessed state, I will have at least lived to the full in this moment with You, in this day- with You. If tomorrow never comes, I will be full of the blessings You pour out on me right NOW.

Here You are, right next to me. I sense your smile, your appreciation of this moment with me. Strangely, You have taken in the importance of this moment and linger here with me. And in this moment, You are here, illuminating the lovely gifts this moment holds. With Your peace, you simply melt the walls, the patched up and broken things within my 'receiver' and they are new. Wow, the pain simply fades away.... the tension is leaving me. I rest, You smile. I breath, You laugh with joy. It's over~ this moment is MINE and no one can take it from me. You have given me Your gift and now, I receive it. Thank you.

You are always here, aren't you? I need to remember that. I guess that will be for another moment.