Blurred Vision

This is really a new season.... I'm still living in the old, but I'm thinking and sensing new. It's very strange.

"I was thinking about what you have called me to in this rapidly closing season.... family. It's strange though, kind of foreign since I have don't have a healthy template for it. So, in my quest to find normal, I pitch too far the other way. I set the bar way too high for myself, looking to compare myself with others who 'do family' and miss the value in the process. When this season closes, will I turn my focus onto the next thing and forget the blessings you gave me? That brings up another issue....

I'm the called... called to what? To whom? I have been so insulated that I have not been looking beyond my nose. I've been a turtle, a hermit crab. I've not been trying, stretching or grasping for air/ strenth. I have allowed hurt to consume and stop me. I'm sorry, truly sorry for that.

The exchange between who you truly are and the box I have put you in have given me an excuse not to feel the pain of life OR the joy of your hope. It is costly to hide away. I have lumped you into the group of disappointments and disappointing people because I can't see what you are doing. That's not who I want to be. Good thing you are not easily rattled by this, I'd be in bad shape if you were!

So, I'm bringing this jumbled mess of pain, confusion, self pity, defiance, mistrust, and flat out cutting you out of this part of my heart~ to you. (I don't want to be like this, it just hurts too much and it's easier to just avoid pain.)

I sigh, I quiet myself and you gently take me in your arms. It's been so long since I have been able to sit in this place with you and let it all go. You don't seem to mind my dark moods, do you? You know what that means to me... it's life to me. Thank you."

Your peace replaces my unsettling fear, relief comes over me and I am suddenly filled with courage. I can see again that today is what I must focus on~ what you are doing is what I need to do. After all, you did say it's a new season, one in which I must learn to follow you on your terms, not mine.

It's fresh and new. I'm accepted~ I'm free again, which is a good place.